You know what I noticed?
Everybody's got some challenge in their lives that I would hate to have.
Including me!
This morning, the kids were getting ready for their Last Day of School.
I was sleepy. I didn't want to work, anymore. I only have 3 days of paid time off left.
(Where does it go? Days of vacation, socks in a dryer, things just disappear, without warning...)
I wanted to be a kid and goof off and procrastinate on all the chores and eat me out of house and home, like MY kids do!

But then I remembered the facts, through my hazy vision of idyllic Summertime childhood, replete with Norman Rockwell-esque vignettes. (Where did all the swimming holes go? Out with the socks in the dryer and the days of vacation, I guess.)
(Obviously, there is a particularly nasty sort of vortex-y black hole thingie out there, where gremlins toss things when we aren't looking~ remote controls, car keys, socks...)
(I'm tangenting again, aren't I? And this being Contemplative Prayer Group Wednesday, too! I need to centralize!)

Where was I? Oh, yes~ I remembered childhood and teenhood and all that growing up time, and what it's really like, to the one going through it.
Nothing has really happened, yet, you're 'life' hasn't really come about, yet, when you're a kid. I mean, not to the standard kid in America. Things happen to them, but they haven't built their very own lives, yet.
Too many things become suddenly important that are not all nice and settled, and you have to deal with it all using a brain that hasn't had much time on Earth to figure things out thoroughly, yet!
Most of the things you're reallyreally curious about and want to do, you're barred from doing.
Most of the things you're reallyreally wanting to experience in life haven't happened to you.

Looking around, I see that the married women who get to stay at home, those women I keep thinking are so lucky, get to have that sort of freedom of the Self-employed, in their schedules (if you want to step outside for a minute, you can do that~ at work, no, you can't! You're on the clock, somebody else's clock, and they don't appreciate it if you up and decide to go watch the squirrels play while the laundry dries in the dryer), those women have to fight off tedium and isolation and rootlessness when facing the swing of society. A trip to the grocery store becomes a major upheaval, their one big chance at talking to a grownup in the daylight hours. Their husbands drive them nuts.
Within the 4 walls of home (I hear they start pressing at you), their feelings and thoughts can prey on them, as Jane Austen wrote;
and, more often than not, I've found that they have a vast amount of uncomfortable questioning going on in their lives, too~
'Why am I here on the planet, if I'm not accomplishing anything that makes me feel accomplished and content with my life's work? Why do I keep feeling like I should be doing more, doing something more important than what I'm doing? My work has lost its value in my eyes; my accomplishments, anyone can do.'

Words that make ya go "ahhh, nice"
I've been reading Richard Rohr's "Everything Belongs" for my contemplative prayer meetings, as you might remember if you aren't a scanning bot coming to try to ransack my blog's comments with your spam-ogrifier.

In it, at one point Richard (I can call him 'Richard', right?) wrote that we in America have "substituted freedom of choice for the freedom of the soul, which alone gives spiritual joy."

That Richard. Gotta love him. He totally hit onto what I've been trying to form into some kind of cohesive thought in my own head. I completely agree with him!
Unfortunately, there are a lot of those non-formed, trying-to-form, noncohesive thoughts in my head, and I find other people's insights to be quite invaluable, in such cases.

What I mean is, I don't believe that we really need or even actually want those elusive things we search for, those free choices that seem so special, such a great luxury. Those will do in a pinch, they're fantastic to have (and I for one, being a total child of America, am convinced in my little being that Freedom is crucial to so many basic things in us).
But I think what we're looking for is Freedom of the Soul.
We purchase the choice-freedom, it looks so promising, but I think what we're really looking for (or at least, I'm convinced now that it's what I myself grope around for) is soul-freedom.
It goes deeper than the choice kind.

With Freedom of the Soul, you're all set~ nothing can get you! It's like, magic covers at night, keeping the monsters at bay. Only this time, instead of it being just a convincing childhood gut-feeling, it's the truth. The freedom of the soul is true, real, breathtaking freedom, that noone can touch or take away from you. Only God and you have access to it. And it's limitless~ the sky's the limit! This freedom is the exuberant "wheeeeee!" kind, where your heart thrums with contentment, your pulse beats strong with the thrill~ you're in!
And once God gives it to you, I hear it pretty much stays with you.
Sign me up~

Cincy Goodness
The thing I like about Cincinnati is, well, there are 2 or 3 things that I like.

First, Cincinnati has Graeter's Ice Cream.
Graeter's ~ spelled funny, tastes great.

The second thing I like about Cincinnati is the rivers and creeks and woods sprawling through the area. The Ohio River is not clean, it's got bacteria and mud and myths about gigantic fish under there, but there is something about its celadon/steely blue milkglass self that I just like.

But the thing I feel is most serendipitous (it's a word. really.) about this place for me is that it's a pretty darn good city for being contemplative.

We're kinda low-key, around here. There are always frenzied coordinator/lambasters out there, trying to make it a happening, hopping kind of place, but they can just frenzy in their own corners, because for the most part, the tendency here is to stay home with the kids.

And the more they stop with the giant monster "community" events, and just stay home, visit the family, have a couple of friends over, maybe there's a nice neighborhood block party going on, the more I like it.

More gardeners never hurt.~ Especially if they make friends with me, and invite me to tour their little garden.
:D

But it's really a pretty good city for the Quiet Life, on the whole. I'd rather live out more towards the country, as you know, but if I simply must be living in the city till the kids are out of school, this is a pretty nice area for someone like me to be living in.

And when my neighbors set off fireworks that *pow* through the serene, silent nights when I least expect it, I just remember Thomas Merton living out at the Hermitage in the hills of Lexington's countryside areas, going nuts because some neighbor of his apparently set up a rifle range, and all he heard all day long was gunfire!

Or I think of plenty of people I know in once-tranquil little areas in Northern Kentucky, that boomed with population growth, took us all by surprise, and the McMansions came, and the airport expanded every which way, and everything was taken up a notch.
The sleepy little roads became bustling and busy. The airport pointed their new main runways over that once-tranquil area, so that you have the roar of the commuting planes going overhead every 8 minutes or so.
Mom says the planes shift their gears over her house!
And when she wanted to videotape her nice garden (it's great to view that sort of thing in the dead of a brutal Kentucky Winter!), she put a styrofoam cup over the speaker on the camcorder, so that the noise of the planes was muffled.

Yeah, I think I can live with the noise level as it is now, in my neighborhood.
Though I'd still like to live deeper into the countryside, I've been filling up my yard with flora of all sorts; and of a morning, it's soaked in tranquil calm.

On film
You've seen "Toy Story"? Where the rocket is fizzing out, and the little remote control car is slowing down, and Woody and Buzz come to a dead stop in the middle of a silent residential road?
The yards are all tidy, there isn't a soul around, the houses are either baking in a golden sun or relaxing in the blued shade of large trees.
When I lived in a more-ghettofied part of Cincinnati, I used to see this part of the movie, and long for a neighborhood like that.
Now, I live in a neighborhood like that.

(image from http://www.cites.uiuc.edu)

Yeah, that looks like the neighborhood I live in. Pepper in a few people sitting out on their porches, maybe a few kids out playing in the yards, and you've got it.
Very conducive to solitude and silent prayer, most days.

Love that.~

It's a beautiful day here, and a Friday!~ what more could you ask for?

A Borrower's Prayer
Dear God, let me borrow:

~ Your patience, to endure the things You've seen fit to send me, to try and test and strengthen my soul.

~ Let me borrow Your Love, when I face those who are challenging, or even hateful (including myself).

~ Your bravery, when I try to make sense of violence.

~ Your strength, to stand straight and firm in the face of uncertainty and change.

~ Your understanding, when I face the baffling ones who fret over the details of You, and avoid You in the process.

~ Your humility that was revealed in Christ, when I face a world that feels as though it wants to be quick at casting me aside.

~ Your generosity, so I can find a way to share Your Light that You give me with others.

~ Your vision, so that I may see things as they can be, as they are ~ so that I may practice true Faith at every turn.

~ Your wisdom~ let me be still and know that You are God.

~ Your creative freedom, when my brain tries to rest on threadbare ideas.

~ Your inclusiveness, when I want to keep a good-but-different person at 'a safe distance' (not everyone has to be a kindred spirit).

~ Your soul, when I find my own too corrupt with jealous bits that come out of nowhere, or petty thoughts that I know better than to entertain, or things that otherwise drag my own soul down to the dirt.

~ Your light~ strong enough to shine through my Self of Clay, so that others may see and know what beauty You are, and what You've given me (and what You will freely give to anyone else who really wants it).

~ Your kindness, when I face any other living creature (we all fight a hard battle).

~ Your substance, to live out my life in a way that would please You and help those around me to see what is possible in You.

~ Your grace, that grace that only You can give~ grace that swirls around and catches me up, in mere daily life (moments~ simply, moments in life), and covers me with that important and meaningful beauty, so very You, and warms the heart to experience.

I ask only to borrow them, because I know myself by now~ I won't keep them for long. At some point, I'll (apparently) give them back to You, and go back to being just-me.

But in this way, You teach me to depend on You, and borrow from You all that is better than I can be on my own.

In this way, You plan, I'm sure, to slowly grow and guide me, until I begin to keep these gifts dwelling inside me, for always.

Wordless Wednesday

Serenity at work
(this will appear on both blogs)
I usually take the photos at work, so when these cuties showed up, my manager said, "camera!"
I've 'borrowed' the photos I took, to share them with you.





Very serene.~

In this morning
Clouds
Smiling softly to themselves
And each other
Small, gems of mist keeping counsel
Before a treasured sky
That would make a Rembrandt weep.
Blue and blue and blue, all
Rolled up into an embracing white
Like cream folding into jewels~
Sapphire, lapiz, azure, turquoise, aquamarine~
The weight of water
Suspended over our heads.
The light is clear and pure and fresh,
New glassine of pale yellow
Cutting through at angles,
Leaving an uplifting trail
Of rays behind ~
Shafts of benign shadows
Half-thought to be dark,
Lacing the fanning sunlight
That sends us off to dreaming.....

Cardinal Crossing
There was a cardinal singing outside my window this morning, as I dressed for work.
Those of you who have hung around here for a while know
a) how I feel about getting up early in the morning, forced awake by that barbaric alarm (only money-hungry plebians in suits and briefcases could be off-kilter enough to think up these things!)
and
b) how I feel about cardinals~ they've been little gifts from God, for a long time, for me. I adore them, they give me a lift, with their beautiful, peerless, blazing color and their cheery voices.

The cardinals in our cul de sac have decided to spend their time in the trees surrounding my house, a decision I applaud~ I sometimes wonder if my flagrant admiration for them has lured them to take up residence closer to me!
Well, whatever their reason, they've taken up spending lots of time outside my bedroom window, singing and prancing their jewel-like brilliance in the sun.

To have that kind of beauty first thing in the morning~ I can't begin to tell you~ I was so happy and so grateful to God for it, early mornings being difficult for me, under even the best circumstances.

Such a small thing, getting to see a beautiful bird singing its cheerful little heart out as I tried to wake up; but those small things weigh in with enormous impact, sometimes!

Hmm
I don't feel lonely, anymore.
Ever.
(when did this come about? I recall when I used to feel chronically, painfully lonely, all alone, all the time~ back when I was younger, couldn't find true love for myself on the Earth, and was angry at God.)

I remember what it's like to lose someone to death, and I'm sure, were I to lose a loved one or a friend, I would be lonely for them, I would feel loss. I often wish for the company of loved ones or friends who are not with me, at the time.

But somehow, having God with me so much means that I have this feeling like nothing is missing, noone is really gone. There is no desperation.
'Alone' means meeting God with a fresh intensity; 'quiet' means hearing the music of God recessed deep in the heart, refreshing and calming and wonderfully majestic.

Being single, widowed, I can't tell you how neat it is to be able to say, finally and 'for no really good reason', that I never feel lonely, anymore.

I've got God to thank for that one~ He's placed wonderful people in my life, but mostly, I see it's because He's great company!
Very satisfying companionship ~ though He is invisible and weird and not even a male/female type of person, not something I can categorize or anything, and certainly not Someone I can feel equal to.
Yet, none of that matters, somehow.
Invisible means He can be there with me more than anyone else, closer.
Weird means interesting, a fresh perspective~ God makes me see things in a different light, He calls my attention to things I might not otherwise notice, beautiful things I wouldn't miss for the world.
Being beyond the male/female thing, a mix of characteristics, means I've got a Complete God to deal with~ a comforter, a counselor, One who can appreciate the things I appreciate, and more!
And the mystery~ oh, the mystery of a Person you can't categorize...... that's really pretty cool!

Ok, so the last thing is, yeah, I can't feel equal to God, never will. That can be a bummer, sometimes, and I often wonder if God gets lonely, being up on that level all alone, which makes me feel bad. But I suspect He doesn't feel lonely on His throne.
His is an inclusive, open, giving Heart, from what I've found of Him.
Which is something I might not have noticed, if God wasn't a perfect, perfectly scrumptious God, and higher up than me!

Anyway. I'm really grateful that I don't have the desperately lonely feelings I used to have, the unhappiness, the depressions, the feelings of isolation, etc. I thank God for that, know it's all due to His generous sharing of Love, and hope He allows this to continue in me!

Borrowed Patience
I want to go back to visit New Mexico, but have been waiting patiently. Though things in me pull with a great longing to be back there, and I can hardly look at photos of the place or think about it without a certain pain for what I'm missing there, I wait for the time to be right.

Just as I do with Heaven, and God, I wait with this odd patience to be there; not because I actually want to wait, but because the time isn't right, yet, and there's no sense pouting or getting depressed about it, in the meantime.

I 'see' God now (in the sense that I feel God's presence so fully!), but I can feel in my bones, in my being, that I'll see God even more clearly, once I'm dead and stand in Heaven.

The presence of God becomes more loaded, fuller, with a rich heaviness, like honey weighs heavier in the comb as the Summer progresses.
As times goes on, God's presence becomes more of everything to me.
I go anywhere that promises to show me more of that!

In New Mexico, I found poverty, creativity, diversity, prejudice, oppression, spiritual freedom, beautiful light, clear color in shades that defy names or description, perfect weather, drought, previously unknown and unseen flora and fauna, cardboard liquor boxes fastened to ranch fencing by the wind, my skin experienced those fascinating dust devils, I found the murmur of unrecognizable spirit, the whisper of something unmovably holy, the buzzing silence thick over the place, the unsubdued and unconquerable sacred heart of a land that never forgot how to be sacred, despite the problems that skimmed over its surface, but could not penetrate it.

Though I had a heart for the Native Americans (they preferred to be called American Indians), it was the pure light, astounding color and deconstructed beauty of the landscape that drove me there. Things were deeply real there, the whole environment was raw, the atmosphere was untouchably free ~ I could worship God with a big sky overhead, and gritty sandy dirt under my feet, sparkling rocks and sapphire creeks around me, and that Quiet getting in me.
The Quiet of God.
There I knew I would see a new side of the Holy God.
And I did.
Sweet memories, a sweet pull to go back.

So, here's what happened
It was my turn to lead the contemplative prayer group/book discussion, yesterday (fun!).
There was, for me, a thoroughly satisfying time of silent, God-centered prayer and afterwards, a heart-satisfying conversation on the book we've been reading.
I mentioned the Eckhart Tolle/Kim Eng article I quoted here, yesterday, because it was still resonating in me, and tied in with a part of the book we've been reading ("Everything Belongs" by Richard Rohr).
After the discussion was winding down, I was noting that, wow, we only had one more chapter left of "Everything Belongs"! Have we even picked out the next book, yet?
And the couple who basically lead the group, Bob and Liz, said, "Welll, it's funny you should mention Tolle....."
The two of them had decided to propose that the group read Tolle's "Stillness Speaks", next.
Cool~ and what a bit of serendipity~ a perfect opportunity to absorb more of Tolle's work~ with a group that is always full of wise insights! This may prove to be very good.

Level head
I suspect my upbringing was way to pragmatic and stoically centered on God to allow me to get too enthusiastic about the teachings of another human being (besides Jesus). I go at it with the preceding thought that this person will somehow not match up to the way I think, they will not be someone I will listen to without question or believe absolutely. I will question and poke and prod at all they say. I will be on the lookout for arrogance or unsound teaching, in their writings. I will keep my grains of salt handy, because other humans are not to be the absolute authority on anything spiritual.

But I admit, I am intrigued by what bits I have seen of Tolle, so far. Especially since it seems to be the 'ripe' time for me to be hearing this stuff.

The right soil for epiphanies
I'm of the belief that a catalyst actually happens from the inside. The soil has to be good, it has to be fertile, or it doesn't matter how many seeds you scatter on it.
So, if a couple falls in love, or a person accepts Christ, while a certain song plays, it wasn't the song whot done the deed ~ it would've happened on its own, at some point. They may have been out in a quiet rain, or in a car with another song playing, etc., when it finally happened.
The only really-important, significant factor was, in my opinion, that they were ready for it to occur, and God was ready for it to occur.

So it is that I don't believe Tolle or Eng or Merton or any other person brought about the epiphanies I've had ~ those events in my life are the province and possession of God. God gives epiphanies, and gives them when it pleases Divine Love to give them.
However, other people can help. Books or discussions on the subject can help me find my way through it, definitely~ and have done that for me, over and over.
God gives me what I need to continue growing when I'm ready for it.

I've of course heard of Tolle, before. Read quotes of his before, too. I wasn't a big fan, though~ just didn't feel that pull towards his stuff. I was wary of his work, actually~ felt it might be too guru-ish, too authoritative and arrogant, as many spiritual leaders end up who are in the public eye. Great renown, the glare of camera lights, seem to have disasterous affect on people.

I felt that Tolle might be one of those, or might be a type I didn't agree with, so I steered clear, keeping my eye on his work, whenever it came up~ just in case he turned out to have something to say that would help me.

So, here's my chance. This will be my first Tolle book, so we'll see how it goes.

I suspect Tolle's emphasis might stay on one particular area too much~ there may be a bit of boredom, for me, later on. My main area is not the psychology of humans and their egos, but on the Love of God that I'm encountering daily, moment by moment. God is a fascinating Being that I want to know more about~ 'forget about me and you, I want to know about God!' After a certain amount of discussion about hang-ups and ego and consciousness/unconsciousness (all important-enough for some thought and discussion, really), after a bit of time dwelling on the human aspect, I want to stop focusing on it, and get back to God. Tolle may spend too much time looking at the pointing finger, with too little time focused on the moon the finger points to.

Cred where it's due
But I acknowledge that I had a paradigm shift inside me, yesterday, to the background tune of the Eng/Tolle article and thoughts on Love, what I suspect amounted to an epiphany, though so subtle and deep I still find it hard to evaluate completely, so soon after.
It wasn't until I thought back to our prayer group meeting that I even realized what had happened. I've been bemused, though not uncomfortable or unhappy, ever since.
Could it really be that Love has come to me, and engulfed me (I am willing for God to come), just like that? But everything is different, now.

The changes I feel are not abrupt; I am familiar with this mercy and grace and way of looking at things. But the atmosphere around me is wholly different~ there is a completion, a mystery, a sense of profoundness I've not been fully acquainted with, before. It lingers around me, it covers me completely, though I don't 'understand' what-all it is. God proves to be beyond my full comprehension, again and again.
Under my feet and all around my being, there is a new place. I go forward carefully~ I walk slowly~ I test and pray over this new life growing in me, I turn to God with my questions~ I'm at the mercy of God. What better place could I be?

Truly, there has been a change in my interior landscape.

Love, acceptance, surrender
"The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting. It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object." - Eckhart Tolle
(Read more here. ~ Thank you, Sadiq.)

Tolle doesn't approach this from the same perspective that I would, but ultimately, the Language of Pure Love ends up a shared, common language.
(Like the nicer, better ones who came before me, I'm finding that the more I let Love in, the more unity I find between all of us, everything. The similarities are beginning to pop out more, for me, and I hope that continues to strengthen in me. Seeing unity in God's Creation is good.)
Those who belittle love or experience as "just an emotion", or "just an experience", not to be counted on, not to be preferred over logic, haven't dealt with them in their pure form.

It's true that one can use an experience or an emotion in a shallow way, in a selfish way, to draw a wrong conclusion that feeds a twisted agenda ~ but one can use logic that way, as well. My fight is to give Unconditional Love back its value as an experience of the holiest order, as a guide, as a description of God.
It can be that, though maybe that doesn't happen as often as we would wish (then again, logic and reason can get pretty prickly and off-base, too); it's hard to set aside all that stands between ourselves and a pure experience from the Source of Love, Our God.

In my own culture, we sing, "I Surrender All" ~ it's the key to our life of following Christ, and the field where most fall the most!
To set down our rights and our will, as much as possible, to spend our lives fighting off the selfish autonomy that will go its way, that self-based will that'll refuse Christ any say over what we do. To do what God would have us do.
It's a beautiful cause, but an ugly battle, nonetheless.

Chained to a vast, open sky
An interesting irony ~ we find freedom only when taking on that which looks like slavery. Through surrender and acceptance of what is, a praising and trusting of God no matter what is happening, we find a reach-out towards God, a touch with Love. And in touching this, we come to know God/Love a little more.
It's really only our selfishness that gets in the way of communion with God. Setting down our right to be led by self, giving all control over to God, turns out to the faithful and trusting to be the Way to Heaven, the Walk with Christ, the way to find the Fruit of the Spirit ~ love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Yet, even those words little describe what's in store for the ones who go there.

Rebel yell
I have my hands full, fighting many things in me that want to brick up the path between me and my God.
But even this can be used by God to bring about Good, to bring me closer to the Lord I love so much, and want to learn to love even more.
God can use anything for Good~ I believe that because I've seen how He can use my own shortcomings for good, and also I believe it because I believe absolutely that Good is more powerful than Evil, and will overcome it always.

Walk the Beauty Way
To "walk the beauty way" (isn't that a wonderful phrase?), you first have to accept what actually is, now, as your starting point. Anything else would not be rooted in reality, and will be off-kilter, unbalanced.
That doesn't exclude faith and hope for the future.
Even if life right now as you look around is not beautiful, it has the potential, in God's grace, to be beautified. Beatific.
Allow your hands to work with God's hands to make something beautiful out of what He's given you, now. ~ I pray for this for myself, as well as for you!
~ To accept my life and this passage in my life, right now, just as it is, eyes kept wide open in faith, waiting in sureness and certainty for the opportunities to take what is at hand, and make it something beautiful.

Godandme
There are experiences with God that we have that simply can't be put in words; and there are things that we wouldn't want to put in words for others~
there is something exquisite about these experiences and insights and whathaveyou that make me not want to share them.
There is something infinitely precious in that singularity of experience, holding it within, holding it close, savoring it in its pure form.
Letting it remain with me alone; as intended by God, I suppose.

And lately, there is more of God in me than there is me ~ it isn't an annihilation of me, so much as a realization of what was with me, to begin with.
That unused 90% or whatever of my brain has always housed the Lord, I guess....I'm just now awakening to it.
Far from scary or belittling, it's an exhilirating, redeeming, wonderful thing to find in this Life!

Unimaginable
Who could imagine that such a thing is real, can happen, is happening, is there at all? The gracious God fits in and around and through my very cells, my thoughts, my being~ what was once 'myself', I find to be 'God, reflecting me'.
And somehow, that makes water in front of candlelight~ an amplification and clarity of my personality and characteristics, the myriad parts that make up the individual me that God has deemed fit to create.

Quiet and rest
The one profound characteristic I feel from this sense of God is a Silence and Stillness.
There is less to tell, not because less happens, but because less can be told or should be told.
I actually look forward to the time when I won't feel the pressing need to be so full of words, to rattle and make noise, that urge to be noticed, that vague fear of being forgotten, that we have.

It becomes an extremely personal, quieting experience, as me, the individual, meets God, the Soul of it all.

There is unity in this, and a defining sense of God seeing me, really seeing me. But it would be more accurate to say there is a defining sense of awareness in myself of God seeing me, the individual creation under His care and blessing, because I see that God's always seen me!

Listening Heart
The one abiding characteristic I myself feel from this sense of me-in-God is a gratitude.

I've picked up a book by David Steindl-Rast for the first time (this one "A Listening Heart"), and in it read him say that happiness doesn't make gratitude, it's gratitude that makes happiness.
And he's right. It's a thought that you don't hear much of, but it's the truth.
And that's what I've been allowed to feel.

Turning the imperfections into joys
I have a completely rotten sense of linear time, especially on weekends. I am a Special Problem for my house church leaders, because I consistently mess up the dates and times that our group will meet, whenever we have to change 'em!
They needed to start the meeting an hour later, on Saturday. I was lucky to remember this week that we weren't going to be meeting on Sunday! It should come as no surprise that I showed up at our regular time, an hour early...
Our Fearless Leaders (hehheh) were not there, but their daughters were.
With time to kill, I made myself scarce by wandering out into their yard.

Now, their yard is a nice size, especially for a city-yard. Many areas of Cincinnati are quite green, with many trees, and this yard has that in abundance.
It was like being in a park. There was a quiet span of lawn, trimmed nicely, and a lot of sky overhead, and a rimming of trees, thickets of trees, trees that hold deer and squirrels and birds and birds and birds. Lawn chairs beckoned in the sun and in the shade.

After touring their garden, I went along the parameter of their yard, investigating the wild roses and all the wild things of nature that were out there. I found whole worlds to explore, and I had no idea they were out there!
There was the bed of a creek, one of those 'occasional creeks', I assume, since it was dry, but rather moist-looking. There were little secret paths and trails going in. I was just a visitor, so I didn't go in too deeply. Some things we have to respect and get to know slowly, slowly, upon invitation from the land itself! :)
Like God, nature doesn't like to share its all, all at once, on first meeting. There are parts of it that must be unfolded gently, over time....
That's the beauty of it all. There is always more to discover, in God's universe.
And I have to thank more than God for this~ I have to thank the Michael and Marilyn and their kids for owning it and letting me see it, as well!

* * * * * * *

Passage
This portion of my life, I go on faith~ often, I come to this blog thinking maybe there won't be anything to write, and the things I'm going through will have to be left alone, they won't fit in the glass bottle of this blog space.
Maybe what I say will make no sense to the people God has led here.
Faith says in the silences that something may come, God may give me something to say; and so I show up, ready to write anything that fits. Lots of times, that means I have plenty to say, like today!
But there are longer pauses between the paragraphs, these days.

There may come a time when it's all just silence, really. ~ I'll be out somewhere looking at a vast sky, seeing God. There are few words for that.

The searching and seeking part of my adventure is coming to a close, I'm finding God as much as a little, imperfect spirit and soul can find of the Great Divine God ~
and I begin to shut up, in this finding.
Because there are few words for that.

Manic Monday: Green
(this will appear on both blogs)
The predominating color in my life, especially at this time of year. I've been planting and planting and buying plants and and and!

Saturday, I found Nirvana, close to home. I actually surprised myself and started crying, can you believe.

But let me back up:
On my honeymoon with Randy, my late husband, he took me to a particular garden center called the Olde Greenhouse. It had floor-to-ceiling cages of little jewel-like birds, when you walked in the main greenhouse, it had robust plants everywhere, the healthiest I'd ever seen, it had elaborately carved antique wood Chinese doors between sections, and many gardens to wander through (I think my favorite was the DoveCote).
That place was heaven~ Randy was absolutely right about me loving it.

Time quickly slipped through my fingers; within a year, Randy died, and the Olde Greenhouse was sold for land to put up condos on. It became a ghost of a memory, like Randy; and I quietly resigned myself to a life of a little less beauty.

Inspiration shouldn't be in short supply!
There was nothing spectacular about the other garden centers in my area. Most of them could make a killing if they just put refridgerated colas and bottled water for sale, right up near the cash registers, where everyone is standing with their plants in the heat of the greenhouse!

They're nice people, with good selection, but surpassing beauty is not on your dance card, when you go there.
(Which is kind of odd, considering what a good business idea it would be to have inspiring gardens for the customers to garner ideas from. You know how we are. Just inspire us, and we'll buy it!)

I was looking for nasturtium, and the greenhouse/florist I was in didn't sell nasturtium. The lady told me to try Nature's Corner, down the way (farther than I'd ever gone). She said they had expanded, and might have nasturtium.

They did. Plus a whole lot more.
I had to go around the parking lot twice before finding a parking place, but it was sooo worth it, I was willing to go around as long as it took. I wasn't going to leave without a good look around, I knew that, as soon as I came up on the spot. I loved the ambience of that place!

There were a few lovely gardens to wander through, with the flowers labeled carefully, and tons and tons of flowers for sale, and a Water Plants nursery, and a Garden Cottage store. The look of the place had obviously been given much thought~ the atmosphere was playful, colorful, the signs were big, cheerfully painted wood, in bright pastels, with a flourish ~ a happy place, comforting. Flowers were simply everywhere, and I could feel my soul exhale.

There was such a huge amount of flowers in the main greenhouse, when I walked about halfway down, all the noise and sensation of crowds disappeared, and it was just me and the profusion of flowers surrounding me~ hanging overhead, on tables, everywhere. I was completely surrounded by nothing but flowers and greenery and a soul-reaching quiet, just me and the green things, growing together!

But I think it was the first realization that I hadn't lost that particular kind of spectacular eden-like beauty that made me cry ~ I couldn't afford the kind of setup they had (who can?), with the waterfall and abundance of plants and flowers and all that; but here was a place I could go to, that had all the abundance and cottage-y whimsical, growing beauty I could hope for. It was so close to what I had lost in the demise of The Olde Greenhouse (ironically, it had been located on the same long road they were on), I asked them if they were somehow connected or affiliated with it, which they weren't.

I'm so happy I've found such a place, again! I can't begin to tell you. ~

Like the Blues Brothers
It seems kind of silly to say I'm on a mission from God to tell people how near He is to them, and how much He loves them!
I totally believe everyone who follows God is on a mission, even if they don't realize what it is, what all it entails, what it's doing to shape their lives. Some miss it entirely, because it's a rather small-looking thing God wants them to do with their lives, and they're looking for something bigger, or more permanent.

60s smiley faces
And, geez, we've got t-shirts and bumper stickers telling us that God loves us~ we've had 'em for decades, at least! The struggle continues, though, in the minds of people everywhere who have been battered around by the tumultuous ocean that makes up the Life we know, down here on our own dear little sapphire sphere we affectionately call 'Earth'!

We are all earthworks
But how could I not tell you such a fantastic thing that I've found? I've been called into the desert of the soul, and there I met God; and there I remain, really.
Really, just like you, still. Not a saint~ not blessed with the wisdom amassed to great degree ~ not beatituded and haloed and edified in my looks. I eat chocolate (dark, please). I eat Doritos (sp?), sometimes, and other chips of little nutritional value. I read decorating books, design books, autobiographies of famous people who weren't monky or nunny or saintly. I enjoy beautiful things, manmade, store-bought, material things, as well as Nature-type, God-y things. I just love vintage pretties and Shabby Chic and flower gardens of exquisite exuberance and good photos and I can handle a certain amount of earthiness. I'm not offended if you burp in front of me! :) I watched "Because I Said So" last night with my teen daughters, and was only slightly uncomfortable!

I'm, like, a kinda-normal person, with no amazing graces of my ownself; and it seems rather bold and pretentious of me to tell you that I can feel God's presence and always could, and that I'm getting to know this God I've heard about and read about and felt on the parameters of the landscape around me.
There are days where I can feel more of God than I can feel me.
Those are the best days.

My work is cut out for me. ~ I've found that it would be next to impossible, if not purely impossible, to convince a Christian that God is more loving than they give credit for. It would be easier to convince an atheist that there is a God!

On 'loop'
But here is where it stands~ I guess I'll say this continuously~ if you have ears for this, I hope this goes in you and helps you and the Holy Spirit bear beautiful fruit inside you~
the Lord God loves you in limitless ways, in ways we can't even imagine, to a depth we can't even endure, it's so strong.
Love is eager to forgive; and we get too bogged down with the details surrounding the basics. We set aside the basics too much, beginning to pin great importance on the theologies and specific beliefs and the being-right, and the interpretations of the scholastic, smart, intelligence-laden human mind. In our debates and doctrines, we lose sight of the elemental truths of God/Love.

I know God loves you because I've seen enough of God to know what Love is out there, hidden from eyes that don't strain to see It.
I, one of the not-worthies, am absolutely telling you, with complete conviction~ God is that Unconditional Love you always wished you had.

"You're not affiliated with me!"
I borrowed the opening quote from the neat movie, "The Incredibles", because that's kind of what I thought, after reading some of the 'Weigh Down' testimonies on their website.

I'm getting kind of used to gleaning the good out from under the very-loud, splashed-everywhere bad. The church tied to 'Weigh Down', and the leader of both, have been under fire, lately, for cult-like activity and a case of fatal abuse within the church.

It's too bad the Ms. Shamblin didn't keep her specific belief clear of her diet plan~ the basics of eating only when you're hungry, and stopping when you're satisfied, are good.
But the theology behind it~ well, it's not for me. I think it's really off-kilter~ too unloving, un-grace-ious, not coming from the merciful, unconditional Love/God I've found, at all.

I thought it over, when I saw that the testimonies were sometimes a bit over the top, as far as I was concerned.

Maybe I conclude what I conclude only because it's me doing the thinking, and I myself put a lot of emphasis on developing a personal, one-on-one relationship with God, not just worship in a crowd, or fellowshiping with others (though that's necessary, too).
But I really believe, on looking things over carefully, that the troubles in following Christ start when a person stays detached from the Personal Savior.
To really "know Jesus" or "know God", you have to spend anytime alone with God, 'listening to God listen', as Mother Teresa talked about.

Finding God
Nothing can take the place of time spent in solitude and prayer, resting in God. We make our strongest, surest attachments with God during those times when we face God, all by ourselves, setting aside ourselves and any selfish assertions.
If we approach God with an agenda, or preconceived predictions of logic, a hardened, set belief that we've got it figured out, we know what God will say, how God will act.... if we go into the presence of God full of our own 'knowledge', we brick up the space between us and the real, vital, flowing, mysterious God.

We have to approach God/Love with Humble Faith,
and Humble Faith alone.

What's so hard about this?
I find it fascinating in a repellent, frustrating sort of way, how very few people really get it that they're dealing with The Lover when they deal with God. Any mystic worth their salt will tell you that God is The Lover~ you can't meet God, and not know that, through and through, with a knowing that is deeper than any knowing you could muster, on your own. God is Love~ the bible says it, but once you take the leap of discovering God for yourself, and connect with Him, you KNOW it, for yourself. Your self knows it.

In discovering God, we discover the Lover we've been looking for, the One who would think to do that special gesture for us, who would put the rose on our pillow, would suggest a cool idea that would solve a dilemma we were pondering, the One who 'understands me better than I understand myself', as I read somewhere, recently. The One Who Remains Love, no matter what may be happening to us, of good or bad.

Here- take it. Go on, take it!
How often I see or sense the hope in others, when they hear that God really does have unconditional, forgiving Love for them. They can't accept it. They want to~ but they can't.
Because they don't have unconditional love, themselves, it's hard to accept.
And if they don't accept it from God, as a given, as a permanent truth, they'll never have it to give freely to others.
I know this struggle well, myself. I often find myself fighting that sort of "roll the eyes" feeling, when I see a fellow Follower saying or doing something that I feel is just uncalled-for, or plain ol' twisted. I recognize that I'm too annoyed by them, at that moment, to be loving, and so I do my best to turn away from such thoughts, such an impatient attitude against them. We're all in this same boat together, after all.

The trying is half the battle
I make it my aim to reach for and accept this Love/God, without reservation, without pride, without fear, without any barriers. Let God be what Love is ~ let It not change, in my vision of It, from what It is.
Let me see with clarity.

Back somewhere
It seemed as though there was a nearness to nature
That isn't quite as strong, now.
I remember the feeling of being hot, itchy, tired,
Covered in grass bits,
Lying on my back in the grass
As the day waned down
And tried to cool off.
Making cloud pictures spring up
For my amusement
(And God's)
Watching them parade
And change
And continue by
As the grass felt alive in the breeze around me.
Was it all that intense?
Or has memory played a trick~
Saturating my experiences
Like a good marinade?
I remember the warm/cool smell of the grass,
The way the different grasses felt, coarse or soft,
The way it stuck to me and itched, yes.
Royal Kentucky Bluegrass, soft and bluish-green,
And grasses tough, sharp,
And the incredibly soft,
Long, unknown grass
Growing up by the neighbor's horse pasture.
I remember all those
Gently embedded in my skin
After rolling down a hill
Or attacking a full Summer's day with zeal
The zeal of bounding childhood
Running amok in the cool, hot day.
Sometimes the wind was refreshing,
Sometimes it was just hot,
A revolting blast from some unknown earthly furnace.
And at the point of the turn of day
After the sun had just set
And the light lingered,
I think that's when it would hit~
That strange, faraway sensation
A scent, really~
Of timeless, ancient, beyond ancient days
The breath coming deep from caves
As the Kentucky air stilled,
And reversed;
And curtains began to blow out of windows,
And coolness set in,
And lightning bugs started up,
Sparkling like unknowable fairy-tale beauties
Promises of Paradise
In the dense, deep shadows of the woods lining the creek.

Impressions
I saw lily of the valley bells
Glowing creamy white in the shade;
I saw columbine whose colors seemed
Filled inside with vigorous sap,
Heralds of the warming winds;
I saw a cloak of purple
Scattered over the place;
I stopped to enjoy
Not because I felt I must.
The Lord is good
Though life doesn't mimic
What awaits us
In Divine breath.
*
Like a lotus of old
The world of Love opens before me
And I am left astounded.

This is my life.
It is rich and full~
As it is ~
And I am grateful.

My grandbaby stepped towards me
Just a step,
I was paying only half attention~
But the longer it stayed with me,
Whole worlds cracked open
Before my hands.

Life is sweet~
The sun pours
Dotted light onto
Unworthy houses. ~
And graciousness reigns.

Summertime dreams
The warmer weather and longer days always make me feel happy. I find myself floating, almost involuntarily, into irresistable yet elusive daydreams. ~
Thoughts of idyllic times I didn't have, haven't known, or times I experienced in that ephemeral way that Summertime seems to do so well ~ long, long, lazy days that make brief, evocative memories.

In this odd longing for Something Else, I reach for the idyllic; and in reaching for the idyllic, I reach for God.
The idyllic and pastoral are in the ethereal, stalwart, gracious, beautiful, perfect God, the God who knows just how to set things, just how to make a delectable mood that one can't define or pin down, yet it can be felt through and through~ it can be remembered in a haze of warm, wondrous vagueness.

I find I have many of these stocked up in me, to which my mind attaches imagery of beauty and warm sun and perfect moments and wonderful things, all too quicksilver to really grasp~ because they aren't truly what I'm reaching for.

I reach not for the dappled sunlight under trees rustling with cooling wind amidst partaking of fresh lemonade in the garden with lifelong friends, all wearing romantic white, and laughing with carefree, warm gentility, as the roses sway heavily nearby~
I am reaching for God.
The God behind those sorts of daydreams and experiences, the God that holds before my soul the silent, rich promise of things better than I can grasp.

Summer enchantment
Summery temperatures are here, and I am so glad!
After reading soulpeacelove's blog about not having anything to say, coming on the heels of my own blankness of writable thoughts (she actually wrote it yesterday, but I didn't see it till today, after I'd written my last post), I pondered.

I'm fine with this~ the work is being done by God in oceanic deeps, silent and dark, and it's ok if I can't ride along, deciphering as we go. The warmer weather is leaving me feeling laid back, I guess! :)

But I see things are still happening, albeit at a slower pace than most can stand, I'm sure. If nothing else, these episodes are teaching me the value of patience, faith, persistence....

I'm working on a number of things, but I'm going with a certain flow on them, which means my innate perseverance is really a good thing to have!
Some of the things, I've been working on for over a year (guitar, bookwriting, garden, finding juuust the right fabric for slipcovering my couch),
and some for weeks ("Weigh Down", the door art I've got planned for my bedroom),
and some for days (an oil painting, a new section of garden).
What may seem like a stand-still to most, is just the pace that I must go at, considering my lifestyle.
And things do eventually get done!

Making the time
I'm a working single mom~ I have no time, so to speak. My sense of inner balance, however, is fierce, so I let things go undone that maybe others would go ahead and squeeze in, staying up late to get it all done, until they dropped in the wee hours of the night.
But I believe that would be a bad thing for me to do~ there will always be more work to do. Always. It's best for me to set it aside and do a variety of things in my life, tending my work and my play and my spirituality and my creativity, etc., as the need arises. Give and take has to be in balance.
A lot of our schedule is built of things we take on ourselves, things that reflect our fears as well as our priorities; our attitudes, not just our God-given duties.
I just don't believe that God wants us to be constantly on the go, constantly working, constantly doing, wearing ourselves out, never having time for anything else (including HIM!). That may not be true of others~ I suspect it is, but maybe it isn't. However, I know it's true for me.

Little, constant, quiet jewel of life
I have to spend a certain amount of time in solitude with God, or I start falling apart. He's more important to me (and the health of my entire being) than anything else. When I skip times with Him, I feel that stretch and strain set in....

To balance my step
It's been my aim to do only what God's will is, for each hour. Going with His flow takes a bit of concentration, the willingness to 'improvise', and sometimes a lot of mental shuffling-around, the willingness to step back for a moment and ask His 'opinion', staying as open as I can to His suggestions, plus the willingness to change the plans I might already have formed~ but it's rewarding work. And, I believe, it's also the right thing to do.

I'm not one to believe He leaves it all up to us. I believe in a God that will get in on any part of our lives that we allow Him to, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to be, to us.
I've found that letting Him have a hand in all of it is the only way to keep my sanity, and to balance my step.

That's why I was so cotton-pickin' thrilled with the magazine/program they were selling at the Flower Show. There was an article in it about an old lady's garden that helped me solidify my own way of looking at things, gave it that tried-and-true-ness that can only come through the voice of experience....she validated me and my methods, I guess you could say, or at least encouraged me that I was doing ok!

In this rush-rush world, one can feel in need of validation and encouragement, when deliberately simplifying and taking up a slower, smoother pace of life....

You show 'em, grandma!
In the article, they were showing the glorious garden of this elderly lady who said in the interview that she had only been gardening on the property for about 15 years; because before that, there was her job, and raising children, and all that. She just didn't have time for extensive gardening.

(I remember my mom raising a bed or two of marigolds and petunias, tending a veggie garden...there were a couple of small fruit trees on the property... and that was about it, until we were grown and showering her with grandkids. Then, her garden seemed to suddenly expand overnight into a beautiful, big area, though I'm sure it took longer than "overnight" to get there!)

Now in her 70s, the old lady in this article built up this big, beautiful woodland garden in the past 15 years, mostly by purchasing a new ornamental tree or other focal point when it's time to expand the garden to a new section, then she takes plants from her other gardens that need dividing or thinning out, and plants them in the new garden with the focal point item.
And let me tell you, it was stunning.

But I could've hugged her for proving that the way I've been doing things is a workable way of life! Just because you have to be patient, and things take a long time, doesn't mean they won't get done.
Unless you quit.
Here's to not quitting!

More Flower Fhoto Fun over at my other blog.

I'll try to write more in here, later on, but I've been going through one of those times when the effects are too deep in me to actually come up to the surface as words, you know?

Boy, I hate that~ stuff is going on, I can feel the shifting and swirling through the cloudiness~ but I can't shape it into words~ I can't express it!
Rrrrgh.

Sorta
Oh, wait. I guess I do have something to talk about that I can grab onto, though they aren't your usual * spiritual * subjects, per se.....
I discovered two shows, "Wives and Daughters" which is a thrill to watch for anyone who likes Jane Austen books or loves beatiful cinematography, and a little old, 'historic' black and white TV show that used to be on called "Rainbow Quest".

"Rainbow Quest", for those of you who don't yet know of this quiet, interesting little show, was hosted by Pete Seeger, before he became controversial with his politics. (Very Dixie Chicks, for his time.)
He would have folk musicians come in, dragging their autoharps and mandolins and guitars and whatnot, kick back (Johnny Cash took his shoes off), and just play old, vintage mountain/folk songs.
Doc Watson showed up, as did Johnny Cash and June Carter (when they were still with their other spouses~ and the chemistryyyyy!), and any genuine music-lover with a household name and pickin' abilities.
I stumbled on it on youtube, and was so intrigued, I borrowed the first volume videotape from the library.
This one focuses on Spanish folk.
Should be interesting.

Vintage under the sun
Now, for people my age and younger in America, 'folk' usually calls to mind coffeehouse vibes and hippy remnants and the general air of an angst-y thinker in college. I'd almost forgotten to think of European-rooted mountain music as 'Folk'.
But that's what it is, more so than what came later, when the 60s really took off, and the eat-your-granola-and-smoke-your-herbs set took to it for its natural, authentic sound. It became the music of politics and cities and the tempests of the time, a vehicle for what was brewing here in the USA.
They had every right to do that, folk music is for the people and by the people, by definition.

But I prefer the antique stuff. My heart and spirit seem to be able to relate to "Foggy Mountain Special" more than the 'issues' songs that came later, I suppose because I could feel the root of these songs in my culture while I was growing up, while the 60s folk songs didn't become a deep part of my heritage.
The older European music that came over with us endured; and the songs that are enduring now are more along the lines of Lynard Skynard and the Beatles! :)

There is something about a certain kind of music that goes straight in to feed the spiritual part of a person. You can't fake it and you can't force it, it's just there, it happens, and God bless when it does.
And, I'm not sure about the masculine counterpart, but I know for a feminine mind, there is rest for the soul in the beauty and grace of a show like "Wives and Daughters". It may be masquerading as 'just a mini-series for BBC', but it soothes and feeds the feminine soul~ or I suppose, any soul that seeks beauty and serenity.