What's going on in there?
If I'm not mistaken, I think it was in Ian Matthews' "Impact of God" that I read that most of our thoughts are actually complaints or criticisms. We've been reading and discussing the book in my contemplative prayer group, while at the same time I've been reading Merton's "New Seeds", and have begun reading "Artist's Way". So, it isn't any wonder that the source of this insight has escaped me!
Wherever I read it, though, it got me into examining the continuous jumble of my thoughts.

I didn't like what I saw.

The author of that powerful insight was right, at least about me~ most of the thoughts I had were pretty whiny. I hadn't realized I was infiltrating so much junk into my brain!

Smack upside the back of the head
It can be pretty hard to change an attitude. It seems to spring from an emotive, primal state, one almost untouchable in its depth. An attitude often seems to be inextricably embedded in feelings beyond our control...."well, that's just me", I could say. But such a response would show a great lack of humility and hope.

There's no way I could gain a lastingly better attitude or state of being, on my own. There are certain qualities, such as peace of mind, that can only be captured by effort in a very surface, superficial, impermanent way, if at all. Such attitudes are only there until something challenges them, then they fall to ruins.

God comes into the picture and infuses our attitude, changing it in the way that we've earnestly wanted to change it. I've experienced this many times over, myself, in big and small ways. I trust Him to be able to wrought these changes in me, with only my willingness required.

Serenity station
There are times I see that I'm existing almost as if in a dream~ I feel God's protection and care, I seem to feed off the afterglow, the way halogen lights at a ballfield are said to stay glowing their bright white light for hours after they've been shut down.
Nerve-wracking things don't reach into me with quite the same depth that they could dig into me, before, though I'm sure I'm not bullet-proof on it. I'm sure that, were He to send me through another hellish time, I would struggle.

It's hard to explain, but I think that the amount of faith I've managed to grow under God's effort has given me a kind of veil of security. Serenity is my usual state of mind~ though what have I done to earn it?
My lifestyle is not devoid of pitfalls and trapdoors~ yet, the trust He's been able to build in me, bit by bit, step by step, has given me an ethereal existence to dwell in, mentally and emotionally. My state of mind doesn't rest completely on the strength of these earthly things, not completely. I've been allowed to feel that I can trust Him to see to my needs, take care of me, give me good things, the kind of good things that my inner spirit longs for.

This state of faith, trust, serenity, and well-being is a gossamer thing, probably easily torn. I appreciate its existence in me all the more because I see that it's been a gift, and is in a delicate position because of my own weakness, my self-willfulness. It's there because God allows it to be there, as long as I choose to let it.

This photo~

~ is really and truly how I go around seeing the everyday world. Graceful, gracious beauty, with flaws unhidden, but still emanating loads of mystery, enchanting possibilities, pure colors, otherworldly beauty; all in a light that is rife with a holiness that is almost tactile, light that seems capable of transporting us to a better life.

I can't really explain it, beyond that.
I just hope it stays with me. I want GOD to stay with me. I don't want to go back to the dreary despair of a world without Him.

~May you find beautiful, otherworldly temples of God in your inner landscape.~

The movement of the butterflies told me
I took a walk during my break today, to the grassy field behind my workplace. It's lined with trees, open to the sky, I love walking there~
And such fine weather we're having! Is it me, or has the number of perfect, sunny, mild, blue-skies kind of days increased, around here? I don't remember above a handful a year, before. Now, I'm sure we've been enjoying more of them!

I was walking back, silently conversing with God, when something made me stop~ a moment of elusive blessing, I have to call it that.

There was a large orange and black Monarch butterfly riding the current overhead. I was watching its lazy path, enjoying it immensely. At my feet, there was a small orange and black butterfly, playing amid the clover and wildflowers.
And that's when it hit, and hasn't left me, since. I guess it will, in time, but right now, I'm convinced.
I stood in that field thinking simply, "I'm the luckiest girl alive! I don't know why, but I am!"

Yeah, I was convinced. I could see it in the path of the butterflies, and in the waving tree limbs as the wind ruffled them. I could see it in the blank blue sky up above me, and the light, and the quality of the air~ God has rained down some kind of intangible, invisible, imponderable ocean of Blessing on me, the sheer essence of Blessing, which I suppose must be surmised as being the outpouring of the presence of God, here with me.

Lucky-blessed
I felt pulled to write about this, but at the same time, didn't want to. I feared it might be either a discouragement to some, or perhaps be viewed as some kind of vanity on my part. But I'm not saying, 'look at me, I deserve this,' nor am I daring to say, 'I did everything right and pleased God most, so I got this good stuff!'
Those things aren't true, and I'm not deluding myself on either count. I don't deserve this any more than anyone else does, and I haven't done everything right, and pleased God such a heaping amount that He simply had to gimme stuff.

I've come away feeling that God is accessible to us; and can make a huge difference in the little things that color our lives, how we look at the world. Our outlook is what clings to us through all events, and we must live with it. Allowing God to take over and trim your outlook leads to exquisitely rendered attitude blessings.

I've also come to deepen my usual conclusion~ that I shouldn't *expect* anything to be permanent. This blessed state of being may prove as ephemeral as the perfect weather. I want to enjoy it while it's with me, savor it, look it over carefully and fully, as fully as I can, to try to divulge its meaning, if there be any more meaning to divulge (the whole "but what does it mean?" is alive and well, in my brain)! But I don't want to make unspoken demands that it stay with me. I don't want to pout if it's taken from me.

God has free will, too
I hope to be able to recall that God has His own mind, His own plan, and I need not fear that, because of His massive love influencing all He does with me. And even when things are bad, God is good.

Contemplative Sunday



Here is the approach to my contemplation corner on my porch. The plants and shrubs provide plenty of enclosure, but the sun can cascade down freely for the entire morning, and then some.



I like how the telephone pole reflecting in the window looks like a Cross.




Someone has found the picturesque spot, untaken...a ginger~white paw sneaks into the frame...



...and before you can say, "is this spot taken?" or "have some cat hair in your teacup", Mackers has claimed the seat for himself.
Noone crashes a cozy spot with more style and stealth than Mackers!
Cats have an unerring instinct for comfortable vignettes, don't they? They can always be counted on to find the lovely places to take a refreshing nap in.

Accoutrements
My contemplative morning starts out as early as I can endure, but not before the light of day has shown itself. The sunlight, even if behind a diffusing screen of clouds, is my necessary companion. Mama doesn't do pre-dawn, hon. I'm a definite Light person~ at least, in the morning! :) Morning is not official for me till the sun comes up!

I wake up, pray before I even get out of bed, and go with His flow. If it's cold, I find a good spot indoors, an enjoyable one, where I can either watch the rain outside (or snow, if it's Winter), or bask in the sun. The large picture window you see here is the living room window, and provides a lot of light in there.

I select an inspirational book, one that will give me some bible verses and a deeper way to look at God, fill a teacup and saucer with cola and ice (I don't like tea), grab my journal (usually a classic Composition book, because it has a lot of pages), a pen (I prefer the super-fine nib of Micron pens), and get to work, trying to find God in the current of the day, in my readings, through the scene of nature around me, outside. I usually sit on the antique double folding chair you see here~ in these photos shown with the pillow in the Monet-inspired pillowcase.

Though my thoughts can get very deep, there is always a laid-back, almost unconscious quality to them. I am not tearing through a schedule or working against the clock (aside from my complaint that time goes too fast, during these precious hours)~ I am Resting in God, letting the peace and love soak into me, opening up to whatever He wants to give me.

Golden time
The morning stretches on (never long enough!), and the neighborhood begins to waken. People come out in polite bathrobes to fetch the Sunday paper, the sounds of voices begin to fill the air. The sound of birdsong is no longer the sole noise. I still have at least an hour, by this time, before the church van shows up, and kicks my household into a higher gear with the arrival of offspring and queries for lunch. I have a blessed hour or so to soak in the quiet of God....

Usually, I write in my journal as I read, working my way through new thoughts, or just processing a step towards wisdom and/or maturity. My ongoing goal is to stick close to God's peace, and enjoy the moment.

To make the transition from this intensely deep, quiet, essentially timeless time, floating in the current of Love, so to speak, to a more earth-bound, tv-watching, demands-on-you, people-talking-to-you-about-movies kind of thing, I often write a letter to a friend, or stick to writing in my journal about what I've read that morning, sort of a summarization.

The art of writing letters
It's become a rare art, writing correspondence. But definitely a many-faceted art form, one that lends itself to the feminine very well.

Communication, either heart-felt or surface, the "pebbles" that Anne Morrow Lindberg describes in the Bring Me a Unicorn Introduction. An aesthetically pleasing pen. Beautiful paper, either thick and crisply soft, or thin, with a wonderful design on it that makes you quite wild with pleasure at the sight.
The encouragement to slow down, consider carefully, and bring together all the elements into the creation of something lasting and expressive and beautiful. Those are the irresistables I find in letter~writing.

Triple-milled blessing
There were three rainbows anchored in the sky over our house, yesterday. I've never seen this formation, before...



It's hard to tell from the photo (rainbows are rather elusive), but the bright streak at the bottom is the third rainbow. There are two that are touching at the top of the photo, their arches meeting ~ they were longer than shows, especially the second, lower arch. Its length traveled down the sky for quite a distance before disappearing.



Closeup of the two touching arches.

These were hovering right over our house for about half an hour. It ushered in some amazing things for me in my heart, spirit, and my view of God.

Encore
The last time this happened to me (yes, it's happened before) was about 10 years ago, when I lived in Bellevue. I was in pretty dire straits, desperately in need of some kind of hope, really.
When I saw the rainbow fragment over my place, I remember the sudden rush of certainty that defied logic~ I felt sure it was a sign from God, a promise of a blessing. My heart was so positive, it convinced the rest of me!
It was small, but it was there, and I felt encouraged.
And things did get better.

When I looked up and saw these yesterday, I felt that same rush of recognition in my heart, and knew. It defied my logic, my reason, it was a stepping out in faith, but I couldn't deny it. I feel that it was a blessing, a promise from God; I felt it as surely as the rainbow to Noah was.
My heart is certain that "me and my house" are being escorted into a blessed time. Whatever that may entail.

As I was looking up at them and considering what they might mean, I realized that, like William Parrish,

"I don't want anything more".

I couldn't ask for anything more.


Grateful
I hadn't really thought of it, before. Or, more likely, I had thought of it, but it's too new a belief to be familiar to me ~ wasn't it just a while back, maybe a couple of weeks ago, that I had a little list of blessings I felt I needed?
But I don't have those, now. Anything else from here on out would be the generous overflowing of the cup from God. (When did this change? How did it change so completely? It must have been God's doing, because I don't remember doing anything in particular, beside asking Him if He would help me be content....so, I guess He answered that prayer, huh?)

The cool head in me sees that it would be a bad thing to expect or anticipate. Blessings often come in the form of trials; God is nothing if not original and frequently unpredictable. Best not to go planning what He'll do with this.
I decided to stay open to whatever He was about to give, in whatever form it took.
(*eep!*)

While I was organizing my thoughts in this way, the gratitude seemed to double, and triple~ it seemed to pierce my heart with a thorough depth to it that had me learning a new lesson about God/Love, falling into a fresh, warm, glowing love such as I've not had before.

A new aspect of Love
I have felt in-the-depths-of-Love for God, before, and was glad to see this flame can continue to deepen and renew inside.
The impact of all this is that I had an experience (and therefore a vision, as my brain grappled with all the mysterious, giant sensations of His communications and fuller presence) involving a display of the fierce and wonderful God, and since then, I've been trying to figure Him out; and all the while, my heart is twitter-pating for Him, but instead of feeling faint, or causing my heart to pound or flutter, there is only this warm glow of delight.

Now, I'm not one to go looking for the warm-fuzzy feelings, when it comes to my relationship with God. I was warned early on in this commitment to seeking God's face that I mustn't get hung up on the ecstasies and euphorias that can happen. They'll come and go, but the Lord remains constant; and He is my focus in this. A sincere traveler in search of God will settle for nothing less than God, Godself. The by-products of God~ the generous giving, selflessness of completion, joys and peace~ are just the song-and-dance, here. The reality you're striving for is found in God and God alone.

Consideration
If trials come, and all these things are stripped away from me, how could I fuss? God's given me this fantastic thing, this mix of solid blessings and contentment and gratitude. He owes me nothing. I owe Him everything.
If He takes it away, I hope I'll bear it with patience, with hope in His goodness and care for me.
And if He adds to it, I hope I don't get used to it, and lose this right gratefulness for this Moment that He's given me!

What does that mean, Christine,
you might ask.
:)
Well, it means that I'm sitting here on a rainy Friday, on break at work, with a burning-warm glow in my heart that's fair springing with joy and love~ I am totally gone on God, giddily, absolutely in love with Him~ ga-ga about God! Ha!
So much so, I want to burst out into song like some crazy Hollywood musical, singin' and dancing in the rain with innovative choreography and joie de vivre!



(Gee, I know this all probably sounds like some inane Hallmark card, but it doesn't FEEL that way~ it's too vibrant and alive to be sentimental or surface-prone. It feels more Right than any state of being I've ever been in, before.)

I grew up trying to love God and Jesus as a duty, because I knew I should~ 'they' said I should. I didn't want to do wrong in their eyes, nor in God's.
So, it's highly enjoyable to me to find myself loving God not because I think I should, but because I do.
Ok, I'll stop before I babble more~~

I've found a treasure
Here is a woman who has a lot of wise, good things to say about aging:

'Grokking It', Sept 18, 2006
"...being old is what I am and being old is not only okay but a rich time of life. It's not a time to give up on being vital, sexy, attractive, active, excited about life. It's not a time to quit learning new things, Not a time to say I always did it that way and cannot change. It is instead a time to be like that sunset from the other night. A sunset marks the beginning of the end of a day, but it can be with a lush fullness, a promise of richness and going out can be with a bang, not a whimper."

To read more, go to Rainy Day Thoughts


And here~ a recent photo
This is what 39 looks like.
In kind lighting, anyway.
(and ok, I photoshopped with the blur tool under my right eye, but as you can see, I did it lightly~ the lines are still there!)




I realize that I'm not old, yet~ but if the next 39 years go by as quickly as the last, I'll be there soon enough!

I'm on "improbable"

"At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable." - Christopher Reeve
(thanks, Kingsjoy, for sharing the quote)

My life in music has been coated with all kinds of let-downs and convictions and temptations to stop, followed closely by very defined communications from God (usually many, all layered together, so I couldn't miss it and couldn't ignore it, no matter how hard I would try to) that He doesn't want me to quit.
And God set about trying to reorder my attitudes on music.

About a year ago, a friend was commiserating with me over the quandary that many musicians face~ fellow musicians are a capricious bunch, moving, quitting, changing their musical directions, or maybe you move, quit, or change your direction. I've found myself singing along to accompaniment tapings for years (music in a box), because I felt I had no aptitude or affinity to instruments, and I couldn't find a loyal band to play with me. I was a dancer/singer/songwriter, dang it. Let someone else play the instruments!

But there I found myself at a stand-still. What to do when noone shares your particular vision? And what happens when your vision changes radically? And what do you do about the veil of autonomous antagonism that has landed on your view of your own music?~ I'd got so used to being driven, to focusing on hitting the notes right, to being on my own out there, it's been hard to change perspective back to the thrill I started with.

Never woulda thought of it, myself
So, I was ruminating with this friend who'd been on the musical scene for a long time, and knew a thing or two about it, when he said, why don't you learn guitar? Then, you can connect with other musicians, and play for yourself, when need be.

Well, now.
I asked God about it, because although I was kind of intrigued and excited at the idea (and also quite wary, feeling pretty sure I would be sucky at it), I knew I wouldn't get anywhere that He didn't want me to go. And I didn't want to waste my time on it, if He didn't want it to happen.
Also, I wasn't 21, anymore. I had responsibilities. There were barriers, and I knew that many people won't take you seriously if you have barriers like that.
And I didn't have the ambition to be Jennifer Lopez, anymore~ my drive had been taken over by the all-consuming pursuit of God.
(I might add that my drive had also deepened and matured, in His care. Simply making good music is my longing, now~ it always was, really, but drive and ambition can get in the way of the genuine.)

By that time, I'd gotten so precariously balanced and so hurt, I was ready to give it up. Things had been rough, I'd felt held back for so long, unimportant, pushed aside. Though I had the verbal support and encouragement of people I admired and looked up to, I had no support system, no nucleus built up. My efforts to create one ran aground, time and time again, until I was getting convinced I should just give it up and stick to singing in the shower.
I was draggin my feet when I asked God if I should really do this. I didn't really believe He would go for it.
And I had very, very, VERY little money. I had enough for maybe a Walmart guitar, and that was it.

In 3 months, I had 3 guitars and a good teacher, gratis, so I could see God wanted me to do this.
But then came the next hurdle~ I wasn't thrilled with the idea of learning just for myself and my own enjoyment. The impulse to perform is in me, part of my nature, lodged deep in there, bandied about by my insecurities and fears and feelings of inadequacy.
What if I failed?? What if this led nowhere but to embarrassment? What if it led to something I hated doing?
God wasn't going to answer that, I was going to have to step out in blind faith, and just shut up and follow Him! But I did warm to the idea of getting good enough to have casual jams at home with other musicians. That really did sound nice!

Looking for a manager
My whole life, I was expecting a manager. Someone to steer things with me, who believed in my talents, someone to help me out in the million different organizational ways I felt myself lacking.
But I was alone, and it was an awful feeling.

I came to see, though, that self-sufficiency, non-dependence on others, is a key lesson God was trying to get me to learn. I was trying to lean on other humans, instead of on Him; the usual story, really~ most of us do that, at one time or other. This wasn't the first time I was guilty of it.

Gossamer fate
But God's will is often so....whimsical-looking. Held up by nothing visible. If not downright scary.
It's felt like a very risky, delicate path I've been on.
My psyche is delicate, I love music but feel as a lover scorned, by this time.
My hands are small, so the physical rigors of even a small guitar I felt would be my undoing. Playing the things I'm learning is painful, and I often wonder why I'm even bothering.
It's frustrating and fascinating, all at the same time.

But I can't put it down. I can't stop this course.

I can still only just barely dream of getting proficient at the guitar, one day; I aspire to very little, which seems pitiful to my old way of thinking!
But with the humility God's been giving me comes an inability to dream big on my own; if God isn't sharing the dream, I hesitate to have it. I've at least started growing to trust Him to bring my heart only the dreams that He has for me.
But I have to tell you, there are times I don't know whether it's His vision or my own self-driven, old ones that are fueling things~ and so, I'm scared to trust them until they prove themselves, somehow~ even the smallest of them.
(And to tell you the truth, I find myself really freaked at the glimpses He's been giving me, uncertain what to think. Looks like I lose my nerve, when it's HIM and not me making the dreams!)

And when an original song pops into my head, God makes it known that I'm to put it aside~ now is the time to focus on learning that guitar, not writing songs! (Ugh.) Will I ever be 'allowed' to write and create them, again, with His blessings?

It scares me. I'm always fighting the terror, buckled with the longing to make this guitar sound good, without having the ability to do it. Plus, all my insecurities about where He's leading me, trying to be brave in the face of the unknown, over something that is important to my gut.
Watta ride.

This drive is driving me
I practice the basic chords over and over, till my hand is all cramped into a stiff claw, because of this:

"“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” - Bruce Lee

Catch a falling star and all that
You would think that by now, the impetus would be in place. I would find permanent reason to stand directly in the light and shadow of God, because things become so inexplicably delightful when I stay close to Him; but I keep wandering away, be it ever so slightly, until I look around and find it all empty of meaning or light or joy that wells up from inside, somewhere real and sincere. I then wonder how in the world I'll make the long journey back to God.
But I miss being with God, so I turn back to Him, and there is a humming elation to everything, once again.

Which leads to a bit of a quandary, when you feel compelled to explain yourself.
"It's a wonderful day~ chilling to the bone and the mud is everywhere~ isn't it a wonderful day?"

The hill looks highest when you're at the bottom
I suppose it's the ubiquitous original sin thing that pulls me away and leaves me reluctant to go back to keeping close to God; the idea of focusing on God all the time, again, though full of fond memories that have produced their own warm glow, is just not very motivating, somehow (a foolhardy attitude, really; I realize that). It seems to be lacking some attraction that earthly things have begun to hold over parts of my mind. A strange inertia threatens when I even consider going back, it seems so arduous and hard!

But that reluctance is my warning flag. I've gone to church enough in my life to know that Satan makes temptations out of bad things, and makes good things look unworthwhile.

So, I fight back, slowly, over the course of a handful of days, until I'm making the effort with some growing consistency, and suddenly find myself in a world of such beauty and substance; and I'm flooded with a very steadfast, even, full thankfulness. Bring on the turkey dinner, I'm as thankful as a Pilgrim in Spring!
(Let me digress~ if the pilgrims had been thankful in Fall, think how thankful they would've been after Winter had passed, and found them still standing!)

Needless to say, I am not frolicking along over Elysian fields, carefree, without trouble to vex my soul, yada yada ~ who is? I'm lucky to get glimpses of the ripe promises awaiting me in my Afterlife, such as the truly idyllic scene captured above on a recent trip to a park.
Doesn't it seem to speak eloquently of gracious ease, ideal circumstances, a place untouched by torments? Ah, we all need those bits of otherworldly beauty, to remind us and whet our appetites for what is to come~

Well, it can't cure every possible trial that might come along, but it sure is nice to think about, to picture....

Once, and no more
You don't hear me talking a lot about political issues. There are a few reasons for that.

One, this is a spiritual blog, and unfortunately, politics have shown themselves to be corruptive of good character and basic humanities, an enemy to personal spirituality, over and over~ and not just for the leaders, but for the armchair politicians.

NOthing brings out the average person's Inner Brat more~ except maybe driving in traffic. The nicest person becomes belligerent, tunnel-visioned, arrogant and unable to respect the intelligence of any who don't agree with them, as soon as they're talking politics. It sickens me. God tried to tell us back in the day that having a human king wasn't going to work out~ and it hasn't.
I really wish we still had God as our Leader.

Ethicker-than-thou
Also (and this is the part that gets me), it is the nature of a government to have secrets, to cover up things, to leak propoganda, to spend our money while they serve us. I am incredulous that anyone would think they have the whole story at their disposal. I'm surprised that anyone would think they know what's really going on. Why would they? Even top officials don't know everything that's going on! One department can refuse to tell another department something (even if the ones asking are our nation's top leaders) ~ and they'll get away with it!
Governments invest both big money and mega-power to keep people from knowing what they're up to~ we all know that. We're not so unsophisticated as to believe a government is noble in all its actions. How many of us can even believe now that our government can be trusted?

Yet, it amazes me how many people insist they have the Right, the only Right opinion.

I suppose this is where I become cynical. I look around, and I see leaders who lie, who cover even their motives, people who fight, throw around insults, meanness, narrowness, all in the name of politics. Power.
The freaky thing is, the ones with the most power are NEVER mentioned. They're pulling ropes behind the scenes, silent, probably deadly. I saw some at King Jordan's funeral; the announcers couldn't even say their names, when they came on camera. They exuded a power I'd never seen, before. Extremely potent; extremely scary, really.

Third reason, I see Christians who complain long and bitterly, but don't even bother to get together to pray over their country's elections. That really upsets me.
The experiences I've had with churches in the past on this have been extremely discouraging. They complained about the world going down the tubes, gloomily stated it was all God's plan, but when I asked them to get together and pray as a congregation about it, they just looked kind of baffled, and had no real interest. Maybe their trust in God and in prayer didn't go that far?

Because the bible says a leader is God's annointed, I won't insult our individual leaders. But I admit, what little shine was left on the apple has worn off. I don't even feel that we're in a real democracy, anymore.
I haven't given up on humankind, but the darkest I get in my outlook is over politics.
And I don't think I'll be wasting any ether telling you about my political views, here. Those are ephemeral, man-inspired things, they don't define me the most, though our environment does influence us some. But they're not the most important thing about us.

Least hope needs most faith
I pray a lot about where the country is heading. So, I guess there is still hope in there, for me! But mostly, it's been one of the things in life that's helped me see how much I need divine intervention from God, to keep it all going.

I was thinking it would be good to encourage you to do the same~ to concentrate some prayer time on your leaders and your country and the things they do that are out of our control.

I think that through our devoted prayers, we can make God the true ruler, after all.

Open the lid
As I think I've mentioned, I've been building up from a low ebb, in my attention to God's presence. I'd been letting other things distract me, and have been trying to expand my 'concept barriers' of God, trying to see God behind the world before my eyes.
He is ever so hard to find, out there, sometimes!
(Concept barriers~ meaning, what my idea of God makes Him like, to me.
When He tries to reside in me, He can only fit in the box shapes I give Him to reside in.)

Blowing the roof off the ol' interior castle is a great thing, but it takes effort, perseverance, the drive and hunger to let God be what God is. I've only managed it a bit.
To do that takes focus on God's face, and submission, an unpopular concept with many, since it has been abused on the earth for so long.

But God is not man, and won't abuse your trust and submission to Him. When you're willing to allow Him to shape things inside you, that's when you find out the most about the Love of God.

I'm getting the feeling that the willingness to keep your heart open to Him, the obedience to change any preconceived notions about God that still cling, and the commitment to stay right with Him (on the most private level possible~ working to look outwardly committed to God isn't as worthy an endeavor, usually having more to do with vanity than with true holiness) are the best way to de-box God for yourself.

Mirror, mirror
I think our view of God says an awful lot about ourselves. Often, it has more to do with us than with God!
I often wonder why He puts up with it....why does He allow so many warped visions of Him? So many arguments about what God stands for and where God draws the lines and how God sets it all up, etc.
It's the one thing that keeps us all apart, really~ the basic belief of God and what all it means around Him never seems to be entirely agreed upon.
I think it'll continue to keep us apart until Christ takes us back in hand and realigns all these scattered hearts.

Belief
It occurs to me as I write this that seeing a person who believes absolutely in their own beliefs is a chilling sight, full of shallow arrogance; but seeing a person who believes absolutely in the love of God is a wonderful, even holy sight, one to aspire to.

Way to pray
I've been looking over this new way of praying that God's pushed me gently (but firmly!) into, where my old way of praying just wasn't cutting it, and I was nervous.
To pray without words, without Setting Aside Everything, and Carefully Enunciating All the Carefully Chosen Words I Wanted to Say to Him~ thereby leaving little room for trickery on His part, I guess! That was how I felt was the most effective way to pray; and for Him to wean me from that has been quite an adjustment.
My view was anal and fearful and even deceptive. God's trying to show me the better way.

I remember falling for the thought that you have to be very, very specific, even precise in your prayers, or it'll be like all those stupid genie movies on tv, where the wishes always come out wrong, because you didn't tend to your wordage properly, or didn't think it out clearly, etc. I really did think that God would look for the loophole!
'Cunning, crafty God! If I don't say the magic words juuuust right, He'll give me a glass of sand instead of water!'
"If I don't do the ritual..."
"If I don't put my body in this position...."
"If I don't find the right words to really sell it to Him...."

And in the meantime, we skim right over the things I'm beginning to see are the most important~
To come to God with a humble heart,
or at least a willingness for Him to make me humble.
To come to God in prayer often, to let the heart pray without ceasing.
To come with submission, and respect, realizing both facts:
that God could annihilate us if He wanted to, AND that He Loves us more than we could ever know, and isn't prone to going around annihilating those He loves.
There is a certain fear born out of the respect that gives God due~ the power and general, all-out BIGness of God needs to be deeply respected as being fearfully great, yes.
But Love comes first and is most important.

In my own experience, it's humble prayer, and secondly, loving acts done for the sake of God, that brings a spirit closer to God and the Truth about Love.

Cut and Paste
"If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13"

I lifted these from this very cool list:

Father's Love Letter tract text

If you're like me, you grew up with your little butt planted firmly in a church pew, at least once a week~ Sunday morning, for me.
I used to feel super sad for the girl I knew who had to go to church on Saturday morning; this was before the advent of VCRs and Tivo, so if you missed it when it was on, you missed it.
Cartoons were only on on Saturday mornings!
By having to go to church on Saturday morning, she missed most of the cartoons!
What a blighted being.

Anyway.
If you're also like me, you have had a very hard time living like you think God meant it.
We heard it all the time, we could parrot it, sing the songs by memory, tell everyone else about it, and yet.
And yet, and yet.

I've found some of my answers, but I'm still mining for that mother lode! There's more out there to be found.

For myself, I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to see there's no real separation between God and me. I'm enmeshed in Him, and that's the way I like it!

God's sacred ground is my humble ground
I see that with this growing awareness is an inevitably growing humility. I don't deserve this~ this isn't "fixing" me~ I'm still the same~~~ I like being more aware of Him than of myself!

He's so There for me, that when I pray, I don't have to pray~ I just think about what I want to pray, even on a simply-emotive level, without forming the words, yet, ~ and God catches it up, He's got it already, I don't have to pray it. Move on in faith. He heard it. He knows my heart spoke it. My brain doesn't have to put it all down in formal words. Move on to the next prayer request. Amazing.

Sometimes I sense Him so strongly, it makes me feel like my mind's barriers are being blasted open by a great light and rush of storm. I welcome this, because I can't take in more unless more room is made.

Let's hope that that 90% of unused space in my brain will be used to house God's thoughts in me! :)

Most of us Christians struggle to live like we've been impacted by the cross, the dying of a jewel of a guy who could make your bad stuff get lost in the night and could make plows that still worked perfectly a century later (that's what I heard from some theology professors~ fascinating to hear), could make fig trees shrivel and water walkable,
and could be looking you in the eye right now, wishing you'd talk to him for a bit.

It's hard to understand a Love that would allow us to hurt, one that doesn't shirk from pain in general. Such a Love is too big to fit into our reference points.

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
So, count me in. I realize my words may come out as dry as the tinman in Kansas, but I'm compelled to continue trying to describe this God-Love I'm finding. (God, grant me fresh words and new ways to tell of You. Speak through my inadequate gesticulatings with voluminous fullness.)

It isn't an impossible dream to connect with God in a meaningful way. It takes some perseverance, some willingness to believe, some hunger, or a wilingness to be hungry for Him, and ask for it.
He wants you to reach for Him. He wants you to make way for Him. Life would be so much better, if you could lay down your own toolset, and let Him carry on with the creating and shaping of your life, day in and day out.

I told my lovely House Church that it's a process, a habit you build~ chances are, we'll continue with the ebb and flow of it, we'll get out of the habit, and back into the habit, maybe a thousand times in our lives, starting again. It's about overcoming temptation, going back and trying again, if we find we've failed to keep Him close. Learning and relearning the habit slowly, bit by bit, of talking to God all the time in your head, instead of just talking to the shell of your mind.
Reaching out to Him in deep prayer, like you realize you're His and His alone, and He's all yours.... Let Him own the echoes of your thoughts, allow them all to go directly to Him, let Him be the Confidant He longs to be for you.
It's already there~ He's already there. It's all intact, waiting to be put to its proper use.
New love grows and warms up inside you, under this willingness from you.

'Blew it again'
Whenever I do something dumb, something I consider 'beneath my finer aspects', I think of Merton writing in his last journal (stop me if you've heard this before) about seeing intruders on his hermitage land.
He was in his underwear, looking out the big picture window, when he spied them looking at him (at least he wasn't naked, right?).
Startled, he told them to get the hell out;
and ruefully noted that he'd blown his image, once again.

Had to laugh. Everytime I think of it, I want to laugh!

Well, it's a good thing, in a way, I think~ one shouldn't cherish a faultless image in the eyes of other people!
Honesty might not be complimentary (and in many cases should just be avoided), but I feel it's important to show ourselves to be as thoroughly human as we actually are. Why pretend to be a little tin god for the fire-dancings of others to celebrate?
It's not good for them to want to be fooled into believing anyone outside of God is perfect, and it's not good for us to try to fool them into believing that about ourselves.

Let's not go to other extremes
I'm not trying to tout the greatness of blabbing along, saying just any ol' thing without tact~ especially if you're trying to make it a virtue~ a 'blunt' tool is clumsy, inaccurate, often harmful, and needs to go back in the woodshed for some good sharpening-up. You need an extra-fine character to pull it off.

I've had my share of blurting out my thoughts without appropriate filters; Jesus and I have had a hard slog on that one, trying to refine the Little Empress! (And I am sooo in touch with my Inner Empress!)

Whenever I do one of those stupid things that downgrade my higher walk with Christ, I have to wistfully, once again, let go of the hope of Being Better. I have to try again another time, and remind myself that it shouldn't matter to me how others see me~ in my belief, what matters most is how God sees me.

That little bit from Merton's mind always helps me get a grip. If an insightful monk can freely admit his sins, I should be able to stand it when my own imperfections show up to bite me!
It's a reality check~ I've come to believe that I probably won't ever be that much better a person; but if I do get there, and become as saintly as I should be (considering all the work and attention God has poured into trying to help me with my character), then I'll also realize fully that it was God who got me there.

If left to my own devices, I will be cussing out intruders in my underwear till the day I die.

Tranquility Lane
In my efforts to cultivate the gentle and quiet spirit that will hopefully works its wonders on me, even as I get older, I've been considering both the spiritual, abstract side of it, and the actual physical, practical applications of it in my lifestyle. It's definitely something that has to be cultivated! Most of us don't have it automatically, not in this world we live in! I've seen some who seem to have it, but they're rather rare. The rest of us have to work at it.

It starts with the inside stuff. Training the habit, yes, but also taking the step of attempting to live a complete faith and trust that God will see to everything, that one need worry about nothing. A woman is surely an attractive force when she's got that inside, because a person of any sex who doesn't worry is easier, far more enjoyable to be around.

Unlike men, who bottle it all up and so forth, we women often VENT! And when we're the venting kind, we vent long and hard, about whatever weight is on our minds, slamming that weight like a bowling ball into the laps of others to carry. We are merciless when it comes to unloading on you! :D
Learning to deal with troubles by giving them over squarely into God's lap, confiding them all to Him and letting Him handle it, is the only way I've found to deal effectively with it. Not that I find it easy. But it seems to get a bit easier as I practice it.

Borrowing from my other blog:
"...I've sought soothing things, relaxing things, calming things~ serenity, tranquility. Beautiful words; a hard-won state.
There has to be developed the lack of that anxiety our society seems to want to heighten, I suppose because anxiety sells more insurance policies, securities of all sorts. The world is in a frenzy in many places (can I call them civilizations when civility is so rare in them?), and it is cranky towards anyone daring to pace themselves at a lower, smoother key.

The quiet courage
To be serene takes a faith in the Good of the universe, a bravery that shows itself not in dramatic deeds, but in calm, deep, quiet currents.
I've found my gardening to be an essential element to this cultivation of tranquility. It takes practice to not get worked up over the endless amount of work needing to be done in any garden, as with anything.
If there isn't anything particularly pressing to worry over at the moment, I think we FIND reasons to worry, if we allow ourselves to! I've seen worry raised to an art form, but what a price it extracts!

The practical basics of an abstract spirit lived out
The practical basics of an abstract spirit lived out. Now, there's a wordy title for you.
It's my observation that our inner spirits always end up showing in our environment, in ways we aren't even aware of. The nuances are acted out, all around us~ in the way we do things, the choices we make, the way we live, the things we say~ it's all out there, often in subtle ways, easily missed.
To become serene needs something more than a blank absence of worry or trouble (though I gotta admit, it's great when no troubles are pushing!). It has to be encouraged. To that end, I seek out serenity-inducing things. I bet you do, too."

As Christians, we have that hope available to us. Not just in the promise of eternal life in the Hereafter (a thought I never found very comforting when I was worrying over what was going to happen in a stressful situation), but also in the sense that when we work for God, work on His plan for us, things are going to end up right. We'll be fine.

In fact, I suspect that being completely open for Him to form our lives leads to the forming of extraordinary lives. The "maybe I can" attitude I read about back when I was reading Jane Seymour's book, 'Remarkable Changes'. That one sentence~ "maybe I can"~ is proving itself to be an inspiring way for me to approach my own life under God's wing.

The practical application
It's been formulating itself in a variety of ways~ some that are apparently only on the surface, but even deep water has a surface to show to others. Our lives are made of a balance of both, or should be.

The changes in me have led me to see things with new eyes.
Not that changes like these were what I was necessarily going for. They just have come up on their own, like flowers that spring up in the forest overnight.
But they're showing themselves to be pretty nice changes, for me, and that's the best kind of change, don't you think? Subtle, unlooked-for changes that happen in their own natural flow, under the influence of God's will. Lovely.

Project
An old friend of mine has been under distressing circumstances for a very long time~ a very long time indeed, but lately, I suspect it's worse than it has been in a long time. It looked like she was withdrawing from communication, which is what happens to both of us when we're in times of extreme stress. I know the signs well.

My concern has been esculating, so I started devising a box full of soothing, stress-releasing, serene things~ a few candles, many stickers and scrapbook bits (they have a wide assortment of the gentlest, prettiest things to tempt the female eye and fancy), yarns she could crochet with in attracting colors, Bath and Bodywork's "Breathe Calm" (thanks for the recommendation, Candy~ I tried it, loved it, and have since given both 'Breathe Calm' and 'Breathe Romance' away to others who needed some pampering), a little facial massager I found at World Market, refined stationery, anything I saw that I felt to be calming or inspiring (even an inspiring article I found online from a person we both admire) whatever reminded me of her. If I felt it would soothe her or uplift her, in the box (lined with wrapping paper that had glorious roses printed on it) it went!

This project ended up serving two purposes. It will be a nice surprise for her, and hopefully help her through this difficult time, but it also was good for me, because keeping my eye out for serene, calming things kept me in that kind of mindset more often, allowing me to savor the deliciousness of actively seeking serenity. I plan on sending it off today.

I've also been reading books and watching movies that I sense will inspire or uplift me, often romantic, serene, spiritual, creative ~ "As Time Goes By" being a favorite, right now, for its gentleness and glow of love and humor.

These are some of the things I'm going through, right now~ and I'm really enjoying it all (now, if I can just train my little hand to be able to do the F chord on my guitar....!). It's a good mindset/mood to get yourself in~ to choose what you want to feel, and go about letting it grow inside you through persistent endeavor.

Attitude adjustment
Sometimes attitude feels absolutely impossible to change, because circumstances are so bad~ I certainly won't belittle the trials and sufferings some go through. I don't blame them if they can't find a way to feel hope in Christ, feel the joy inherent in life. It can be really hard.

But it IS do-able, says the one who changed her attitude (and then, slowly but surely, her circumstances) during times when life was an absolute nightmare.
I see that if I hadn't changed my attitude in small steps, living on nothing but hope and a weak faith, I wouldn't have gotten out of the bad times so well. I might not have got out of them at all.

A bouquet for you~



There is a chance of scattered showers and thunderstorms for this afternoon and evening in my area~ I'm hoping they come to me, so that I can yet again postpone mowing the lawn, and just read in my bedroom or watch movies when I get home from work!

My bed is incredibly cozy right now, this is perfect weather for slumbering~ I have my ceiling fan on, to heighten the pleasure of burrowing down under my Summer blankets of satin, antique (broken-in!) linen, with a shell pink Egyptian cotton sheet (my one splurge!); the light has been grey lately, that gentle, bright grey with soft shadows and highlights, very diffused.

Yesterday, I did a ton of laundry, and watched "Return of the Native" (Catherine Zeta Jones was excellent), "Somewhere in Time" (a classic) and "Emma" (Gwenyth Paltrow version) while the day rolled by in stately, overcast splendor, so it was a romantic mood, all around.....

The 66 degree rose comes here
On my other blog, I wrote about finding a New Dawn rose blooming on a climber that has been silent since its June show.
I'd been trying to come to terms that day with the thought of never finding another man I clicked with; I haven't had that kind of chemistry with a man since Randy died, and that's been over 5 years ago. I decided that I should get used to the idea that maybe I've had my happiness. I spent Saturday trying to accept that.

And then, I walked outside that evening, and saw the rose blooming, so unexpectedly, and I was reminded that I can't know my own future. Life has a way of surprising us, and I need to respectfully remember that.



Add to it, I then started having the dream that I was flying leisurely through the night sky, something that I haven't dreamed since I was 13 (usually, I'm falling!).
Maybe I'm wrong, but my gut instinct and intuition are saying that this bodes well, and I feel God's gentle presence smiling through it, so I hope rather boldly that my coming future will bring good, and good surprises to me.

Contemplating
Does everyone end up doing contemplative prayer in their own style? I've never heard that, but I think that's what happens. We all sort of shape the basic tenets to suit our needs and goals for contemplative prayer.

I don't do the part where you're supposed to think of and recall a simple shape or symbol, to call the mind back to resting in God, anymore.
I do better when I start out by saying to God, "tell me about Yourself", and make myself passive to God, solely to God, as open to the stirrings He wants to put in my heart as I can manage.

I basically let my thoughts do what they want, on the surface, because I've found His work continues in me, even when I'm not paying strict attention to it. I decided not to worry overmuch about my wandering brain, because that just deters me from getting to God. Simply opening my heart to Him works best for me. Letting Him do His work in my depths.

I often picture myself sitting on the edge of a cliff with God, overlooking the sunset. You might say that's a favorite place of ours to meet! :)
I imagine talking to Him, and Him talking back; but always silent talk, and I can never see God clearly, which is fine. That's as it should be, really.
I've seen mere glimpses of Him, fragments. Believe me, those were enough.

I go at contemplative prayer with the goal of getting closer to God, resting in Him, which is a practice of faith. To let go, and rest in God with security, even for but a while, takes the practice of faith, and draws me closer to Him.

Speaking of practice...
I've been wanting to get a copy of "The Practice of the Presence of God". It's on my short list of books I reallyreally want to own for the rest of my life.
Last time I was at centering prayer, Sister Virginia asked if anyone wanted a copy she'd found at a yard sale. At first, I didn't hear her, the elderly artist next to me was talking. So, by the time I'd had her repeat her offer, everyone else had already declined the book.
Heh. So, I had no qualms in jumping at the offer!

A quandary
I'm finding in this journey that sometimes you come across matters that must be dealt with delicately.
Brother Lawrence said that it's God's will for everyone that they stay in constant communication with Him. But then, you get people who say, "I seriously don't have time/ I can't stand to be alone/ I've tried, but I just can't sense Him/ everything distracts me away from Him..."

Is Brother Lawrence wrong, or are these dear people just making excuses to cover a lack of commitment? (oh, dear...)
And yet, I don't believe Bro Lawrence stated this as an accusation~ rather, I felt it to be a message of hope.
Apply yourself, and you will develop the habit of always talking with God, in your thoughts. You will always be with Him. But the habit must be built, and patiently, persistently.

Q&A, God-style
There are many unanswered questions, baffling things, in this journey. I find I only am bothered by them when I try to explain them to others, though!
We so easily fall into black-and-white thinking, when we deal with spirituality~ in this new life I find myself in, I can't tell everything that I experience, because there is of course a "pecking order" established in our minds, of who deserves what and how much and how often, when it comes to God.
To try to bring a different order under the grace of God, one where even people like me can reach for Him and be caught up into Him, and be allowed to grow in humility and understanding there, without being saintly, is extremely difficult and delicate to try to bring across, and not worth the time to me, so far.
The extent of this amazes even me, and I don't share it all. ~
I think everyone has a silent, secret area of their relationship with God, things they don't talk about. The deeper your relationship with God, the more quiet, private things you share with Him. He confides in those who draw close to Him, the bible says, and I feel we all know it would be wrong to broadcast those confidences.
So, there are things I am silent on, and that's ok.
There are questions that go unanswered, but that's ok, too. I lay them aside in the quiet.
He has asked for many changes in the way I do things, how I think of things, how I use things, how I feel about things.....it's all been redesigned, as I've allowed the redesign to happen. And there is still work to do, plenty of it!

"So I go now"
He looks at me with the firey eye of the banks of the fire of Love! He sees all, and I am free to talk to Him about it. There is no obstacle between us in my convictions of sin~ He knows them, I know them, we discuss them as often as I need to, and He forgives before the talk has sprung from my contrite heart! But He knows I need the purging, so He listens to my list of wrongdoings, He's so kind about them.
Kinder than a human could possibly be, actually, which has been a pleasant surprise.

To Candy
Ocean sunset to relax by


(Image at 7art-screensavers)