Sense
A friend and I touched on a conversation of needs-and-God, recently.
She and I are both sensuous, in the true meaning of the word~ that aesthetic aliveness of the senses that garners deep, even wholesome enjoyment in the simple gifts in life.

The tangy, almost astringent quality of a fresh orange on the tongue, the cooling affect of a storm bringing wind to introduce its arrival on a hot summer day, the tingle of snow through your glove, the warm, absorbing rays of the sun, the picture of a fine mist rising into the carefree sky early in the morning, and the reposeful quiet of the night by moonlight~ a kiss, a hug, a true sentiment sincerely articulated....I believe these things are good, can even be holy in the Lord's eyes.

I believe the key to full enjoyment of these things is to keep God in view as our first need. He isn't really our only need, not concretely~ if that were so, we would have no use for water, shelter, food, each other.
We get hungry, we get thirsty, we need human companionship, we need times of work and times of play, times of rest....
but He is the starting need, the most important one, the one that must be attended to with greatest intensity of purpose. Our need for Him is paramount and ongoing.

The satisfaction of our other needs are a great way to glorify Him, to appreciate Him by sensible appreciation of His gifts to us. We thank Him with heartfelt gratitude when we are hungry, and there is good food made available to us. For the opportunity to drink cool, clear water when we need rehydrating and refreshing. For music that suits our moods so well, lifting what could be humdrum into a higher moment. For words of wisdom or warmth from a kind friend, for love that is real and good and bold. All these things can be seen as ways to share with God this universe that He's placed around us.

Remapping
I'm a bit surprised by the turn my "lessons" with God have taken ~ one is apt to believe that God will always steer a person towards thoroughly spiritual realms, with only a glance at practical, earth-bound things such as founding orphanages, feeding the poor, that sort of thing.
But I'm learning through my Silences with God, when I stop to get to know Him a bit more, that there is more to this life than learning how to hover well over its cares!

He is leading me into the wonderful world of positive thinking, the sort of thinking that takes faith and hope to wield well. I go at this carefully, not the kind of person to believe that there is any great power in my mind alone~ it's God's power that makes it go, and I don't want to forget that. I want to give credit where credit is due so fully!

The principle of living well
In the end, I have to say that He deserves our positive thinking~ the absence of complaint from us, the gratitude to see a situation's good, however it comes to us~ it's not only our best interest to see things in a grateful, uncomplaining, positive light wrought through faith and hope in Him, but also as a silent vote for the good in the universe being more important than the bad~ that God is more important, more powerful in our eyes, in our beliefs, in FACT, than evil.
Light will always conquer darkness, and it's about time we lived lives that recognize that principle.

Though we can't take it so far as too ignore the truth (and I don't believe that's ever necessary, anyway), seeing the good in a situation is a lovely way of showing God that you're workin' for Him!

I can surely acknowledge the bad~ there would be no reason to pretend a reality is not there~ but to take the time and effort to look for the good that God's given a situation will teach me more about Him, as well as make me happier, or at least a little more peaceful.
I would also add that to deceive myself entirely of the truth would be a selfish and unfaithful thing, lacking trust in God.
Since we all see things a certain, uniquely personal way, what I see as truthful someone else may see as just avoiding the facts. For this reason, I'm finding it best to let God be my guide on how I see a situation, in what light I cast a thought.

For a small example: I've always wanted long hair, but my hair is superfine in texture, and very curly. I've never been able to grow my hair longer than shoulder length. Also, I've often wanted straight hair, since most hairstyles are made for straight hair texture.

However, because my hair is so finely textured, that means I don't have to worry about growing a unibrow or a (God forbid!) beard! And my hair doesn't have to be thick masses, because the curls pump up the volume visually.
After seeing myself with straightened hair, I decided to work with what God gave me, and with His help, have been learning how to tend my curls.

Embracing it
This was an exercise not just in self-acceptance, but also in God-acceptance. I step out in the belief that He gives me my equal share of strengths and weaknesses, and trust Him enough to believe there are solutions out there for me.
I trust Him to want the best for me and my particular needs and requirements. I believe He has my good in mind; out of Love, He wants what is best for me, and is eager to help me in my worthy endeavors.

And yes, I believe that coming to terms with what He's given me to work with physically is a worthy endeavor~ not to the amount that I talk myself up into conceit, or make trying to achieve physical perfection into an all-consuming (foolish) passion~ but to simply accept, accept what He's given me, be willing to work with what I've got, and thanking Him for all that He has given me. He's taken the time to design me with care~ I would be remiss to insist any part of that is beneath my gratitude.

It can be a tall order indeed, learning to accept and thank, seeing it as a means for learning to trust in Him more; but it's a goal that I find bears more rewards than one would think.
As I learn to be confident in Him, the confidence extends towards myself under Him, as He has created me, myself for the potential He means to unlock in me, myself as the living little possibility of an outlet of His love in this life!

Confidence in the wellspring
And this confidence is more lasting and deep-seated, stemming as it does from a confidence in my Beloved Higher Being, God, and not from the shifting, unsteady confidence in my ephmeral, unpredictable ego.

So, when I find myself assessing my shortcomings too much, I turn to Him with apologies~ but standing fast to my honesty~ "this is how I see it; how do you see it, God?"
And I listen with my heart and soul, then I give Him full credibility~ 'He knows what He's talking about, and He says it's like this or that' ~ always a gentle, loving, innately positive way of dealing with it all! And in taking up with what I believe to be His point of view on a subject instead of my own pov, or another person's pov, I find myself mysteriously bound closer to Him.

I see there is much to learn about God~ and all the lessons have been luscious and dear to me, so I look forward, with growing trust, to more.
This is where I want to stay.

One moment of praise
I praise Him for the mercies He's given me already, and the ones He will give me in future, and the ones He is extending to me as I write this.

Rain
It's raining here~ a soft Summer rain like I often dream about in Winter, the kind of rain you can walk in without feeling chilled and miserable.



I love to sit out on my porch and read a book while it rains like this~ and then later on, go for a walk with my handy little umbrella....I'm hoping to do that this evening when I get home from work, if the rain continues....

I have a white embroidered battenburg lace parasol~ I keep trying to get up enough nerve to take it with me when I walk while the sun is still hot in the sky! Such a small thing to do, and so good for the face, using a parasol.....and so romantic, don't you think? But not the done thing~ no...not the done thing. So, I find it difficult to do, knowing people will stare a bit.

If I do it, I'll have to do it full-out, to carry it off with panache~ convincing everyone that it's not only a great idea sun-wise, but a better, more beautiful, more gracious method than just putting on ol' sunscreen lotion! That way, it will fit into the overall environment's mood.

Cooling sound
I can hear the rain, now~ quiet, soothing, refreshing ~ it always makes me grow contemplative, and I automatically start awakening to God around me. I wrap myself in the knowledge of His love, and am comforted.

Reevaluations
I'm reaching the time in my life when I'm starting to reevaluate and assess. It's no secret that I spiritualize everything; and I make no apologies for that, since that's the way you gotta be, if you want to serve God and not some other master. God's in everything, and to ignore that means I'm turning my face towards another Thing to fill myself with, leaving Him in the shadow of my shoulder.




But I find a delightful bit of extra ballast in going about my life reassessment in this fashion! To have God in there adds a tang and a sense of some order, no matter how mysterious and shrouded in mist the future may be. I can find some sort of courage to hope for the best, and to continue looking at things in the best way I can discover in which to view them, while being as truthful to the TRUTH of things as I can be.

Everyone's vision is slightly skewed~ mine is usually skewed towards the romantic and good aspects of a scene. Again, no apologies~ I like it this way! As long as I can keep some basis in reality and not do harm, I choose to be this way.
I choose to try to learn something good from everything, certain that it's God's intention to have me learn about His love and grace (beautiful things~ more romantic and good, than anything else it could be described as being) through my experiences.

I won't lie to you, there are times this can be very hard to do. And sometimes, I run into people who seem to scoff at my way of looking at things~ those who believe only cynicism is realistic.

The solution is built into the problem
To me, there is usually hope for a solution to a problem. Maybe God won't help me get rid of the problem entirely, but He'll help me bear what I have to bear. Mostly though, I find I have a thrilling sense of finely-honed expectation for the small, meaningful gifts that are possible in the future!

I believe that the next part of my life will be better than the past part of it, simply because I've found what is most important to me, what can help me most, what I can grow in, what will become more beautiful and rich as I dwell in it. Discovering God has been the path I've been looking and looking for, my whole life~ and I've just now begun to travel it with both feet. You know?

I spent much of my life looking for distractions. I looked for my fulfillment solely in things other than God, and those things fell flat in the face of my hard expectations.
'Other things' are fine~ we all have needs, and that's good. But when I looked for my paramount fulfillment in them, life got rugged.
It was when I started figuring out where beauty and fulfillment are found that life started getting really good!
Again, I admit freely that this good attitude is not always front and center~ I have my moments of dread or depression. I'd be less than human if those didn't prey upon me from time to time.

I think, though, that reevaluation gets screwed up and off-kilter, off the right path when we let our emotional impulses lead us by the nose. It becomes a mid-life crisis, a foolish, destructive time.

Faith often comes in very handy during the times of reassessing. It helps me to balance my step. It helps me to go with the natural flow of my life. It leads me to the right things for me~ to still waters and peaceful valleys and astounding beauty~ and an all-encompassing, growing realization of the greatness of God.
God wants us to thrive, and at some point, we begin to realize that support, however hazily, even in our darkest hours.

What's that mean, exactly?
That means I can have high hopes for my future, a sense of wonder and careful, tempered anticipation (there is always grief or pain, after all, wherever there is love), at the cusp of 40 years travelin' on this here mortal coil. ~
I can have an odd, perhaps off-base belief that my life is going to be full of wonderful things~ moments deeply enjoyed, moments successfully endured, wisdom gleaned and grace identified, moments that color and fill a life with the fullest of living.

When worship styles collide
I spend my Sunday mornings on my porch, meeting God in peace, quiet, reconnecting with nature.
Such a time feeds me in amazing amounts, leaving me feeling more whole and ready, healed of so much, with a deepening understanding of Love each time. Many of you know just how important this time spent alone with God in the quiet is to me.

Uh oh
Yesterday, the Next Big Megachurch a-borning practically in my backyard had decided to take their worship OUTSIDE their rented building, where they proceeded to strike up the band gig in their best new-churchy style, commencing to play a repretoire of music that might have sounded fresh and original 10 years ago. But maybe not.

And this was no acoustic set~ oh, no~ that would be way too not-cool for these people! What, sit outside under the sun and play instruments without electricity?? In the grass?? Building mood along with nature, letting the birds sing along to the glory of God's creation? No.

From 11am on (because of course they have more than one service in a row), they played. Loudly, constantly, with only the reggae set being any good for my ears~ whoever led that one, that guy seemed genuine~ and his music was good. And he didn't seem to fight nature with it.

I take it this outdoor music thing might be a habit for them, on any given sunny Sunday.


Pray for rain.

All-round good
One of the unforeseen advantages to walking is getting to know the neighbors.

I started walking a couple of months ago because I've always loved it, was starting to miss it, and I was having trouble jump-starting my slumbering metabolism in a way that felt "natural".
Aerobics routines and even yoga routines didn't feel like they were an actual part of my own personal life's flow;
and somehow, the more I went for deconstructing life and paring it down to its authentic basics, the more it bothered me when something in my life seemed 'unnatural'. Things seemed all-of-a-piece with my life, or they didn't, and no reason needed to be given for it. What is, is. No need to find all the reasons why. These exercises fit other people's lives well. They did not work in mine; they didn't flow. It was as if I stopped my life to do the routine, then started life up again once the routine was over.

I tried different types of dieting~ calorie counting, healthy food, mini-meals. Would try them for weeks, months, in combination with regular exercise~ with no difference to my every-increasing ounces turning into pounds.
And when you're 4'10", even 5 pounds can mean a big difference. The extra weight might not have been a lot on a taller person, but on me, it made me feel sludgy and heavy.

I know what feels good on me, what weight feels right to carry around, I'm not one for liking a too-skinny look anymore than I like a too-fat look on me. I was exceeding my right weight by about 10-15 pounds, and nothing I was trying seemed to work.

Dancing didn't take the weight off, I didn't do it enough for that. Sitting in front of a computer screen all day was slowing my metabolism down to almost a crashing standstill. Something had to be done.

My neighborhood is pretty safe, and I decided not to let it rattle me that so many of my neighbors would be out on their porches, watching me walk by. I realized how much I really missed walking. I hadn't done it regularly in years! I used to walk everywhere, was fit as a fiddle and could eat whatever I wanted. Granted, I was younger than I am now, but still.

Visiting other worlds
I found a route that has good scenery to look at, is safe enough, has some sense of uncrowded privacy and at-one-with-nature moods to it. I built up to about 4 miles, without it feeling that long at all! Now, THAT's a good walking path!

And though my appetite has increased, I've been steadily losing weight and toning up, a little each week. I physically felt better right away!
I actually find myself looking forward to walking every day after dinner (unless I mow the lawn or go out), even if it's raining~
especially if it's raining, as the neighborhood seems so beautiful and quiet in the rain, and I'm alone under my umbrella out there in the showers, surrounded by nothing but quiet houses and empty sidewalks and the sound of the rain on all those trees and gardens ~ love it.

First, I go through a set of 50's trim neighborhoods, places with 'ribbon' windows like mine, and tidy landscaping (ok, not as rambunctious as mine in terms of weeds and wild, cottagey lushness~ these are all very well-behaved bits of gardens). It always makes me feel like I've gone back in time, to be in so much of a 50s Americana setting.

Then, I wander into neighborhoods with more stately homes, with driveways of large limestone like giant tile, clipped and shaped hedges, rolling lawns, and an odd mix of ease and overwork apparent in them. Some of these homes are rather whimsical and inviting, some not welcoming or homelike at all.

Next comes a bit of rural-looking areas, more rolling hills, a wide-open sky, and more wildlife flitting around~ that's my favorite part, I think. I can get into the wildflowers and birds and squirrels, etc., to my hearts' content. Here is where I'll have a chance of seeing deer, and get my fill of green peace.

By this time on the walk, I've gotten completely into my mental conversation with God, have latched onto Him well, and am feeling reallyreally good! We talk out any number of big and small items that are running through my head~ as always, the affect of being with Him lasts long after my thoughts have turned more fully towards other things, long after I'm back home.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?
In between all this, I meet the people. The 2 little girls up the street whose dad is fighting cancer (apparently losing the battle). They are cheerful and unknowingly brave little girls, acting quite normal despite the weight they must face at home as their dad grows thinner. They are smart, full of spunk, and sunny.
Then there are the old people~ ones who first moved there when the houses were built in the early 50s.
One old lady showed me around her house~ all the antiques and their histories were shown me, and I loved it!
One is an old man with a sour face and a sweet nature that makes you think life is really unfair, to make someone's expression look that mean when they're that nice!
One is an Italian couple, often with grandchildren sitting out on the porch with them.
There is Cindy, who grew up here and is now divorced, once a beauty whose hubby ran off with another woman a few years ago.
She has a portrait in her living room of her salad days, back when she was younger and still felt sexy, albeit looking completely ladylike at the same time. A regal, very beautiful lady in a black leather jacket and abundant hair.
Now, she obviously doesn't feel sexy, and maybe she doesn't feel beautiful, anymore, either. Life can throw you loops that take it all out of you. (God preserve us.)

There is the gentle, aging will-o-wisp dog walker, who can be seen walking her big black poodle, then next time you see her, the big, black poodle will somehow have magically changed to a small brown dog (ok, she takes turns walking the 2 dogs)!
There was the aging trophy wife, done up as for a cocktail party, with tobacco brown skin and bleached hair of a devoted salon-fly, and her plump young-teen daughter with smooth, light brown hair and pretty, lightly tanned skin, the mother very friendly, the daughter shy, walking their dogs in the more-affluent area of the neighborhood. I only saw them once, so far.

Most of my neighbors I never see on this route. I see their houses, sometimes I see glimpses of them~ cleaning their cars, potting plants, playing catch with their kids in the backyard, mowing their lawns....
....and of course, the most breathtaking garden is set waaaay back from the road, where I can't really get a good look at it! All I can see is a tempting display of a large fountain with soft gold lights surrounding it at night, and lots of roses down a tree-lined lane. I can't see much of the house at all, but I see enough of it to guess that it is rather majestic, and probably beautiful, too.

All these things, plus shady mature trees sheltering me when the sun is still out, and colorful sunsets, with lightning bugs floating upwards as the light fades and the landscape lights come on.

Spirit
And God is so right-with-me, there is no way we can be separated completely ~ like a baby in a mother's belly, I may have my freedoms and rebellions and free will that I can exercise; but the reality is, I'm grafted onto the holy God's spirit.
As I walk, I end up focused on Him, sometimes almost subliminally focus on Him, in ways that seem indirect, but somehow get me there. I end up focusing on God till I'm totally aware of being With God.
Sometimes, I feel God more than I feel me!
That's the best time of all.

The quiet good
I was watching a PBS dvd on the Carter Family last night. The documentary concentrated most on the troubled marriage and separation of Sara and A.P. Carter; I guess that was the thing that most people would be interested in.

Image of the Carter family from wikimedia.org

The extraordinary shines out
I did like hearing the love story of Sara with her second husband. I guess some of those people from the the mountains had a real capacity for love~ and it looks like June inherited it.

But it was Maybelle, Sara's cousin, who really perked my interest.
I'd gotten a good impression of her from "Walk the Line", marveling at her kindness ~ how many mothers would tell their daughters to plunge in and help the "messed-up" one they love, like she told June to do over Johnny? For her to see and admit how much June loved Johnny, and to encourage June to help him deal with all his heavy issues out of that caring ~ I think that took a lot of saintly insight on Maybelle's part.

I also admired her musicianship, the way she developed the "Carter Scratch" on her guitar~ but mostly, I enjoyed the touches and glimmers of her personality I've seen, thus far.

Image of Maybelle (with guitar) and her daughters, Anita, Helen and June from slipcue.com.

How did she get that way? Was she as kind as she seemed?
She sure looked like it in the film clips~ very large eyes, like cartoons, and a generous nose with a droop at the end, she showed a beauty that worked from inside out, and for me, that's far more interesting and gratifying to the eye than a classic beauty with nothing good going on behind the eyes. Her speaking voice was just as genuine~ a laugh and sweetness that refreshed.

I kept wondering how she managed to live through the third-wheel feeling she must've felt when the divorcing Sara and A.P. got together with her to perform for some much-needed money~ talk about tension! And how had she managed the career of her and her daughters for all that time? Touring is notoriously tough~ how did she hold that family together at all?

Moutain legacy
Now, I admit, a lot of their vocal phrasings were too monotone and flat to please my ear. The stylings of mountain music showed dire need for a good day at the beach and a square meal or two (one that didn't include either possum or squirrel meat).
But Maybelle's guitar playing had spirit; it added the light-lifting touch that was needed in those old, hang-dog songs from the mountains. Maybelle had spirit; one too strong and positive for the hardships to take away. If the clips were right, she was like that to her dying day.

My hat's off to you, 'Mother' Maybelle ~

Not getting on too fast
I'm trying to figure out why life sometimes reflects our attitude about it, good or bad, and sometimes it doesn't.

Maybe it has to do with our faith or belief, and where our hearts are....I've been thinking on that, but haven't had enough life experience and/or observation to make sense of it all.

What I do know is that when I'm thinking life is romantic, extraordinary, beautiful, it becomes that, the beauty and romantic and extraordinary are suddenly in front of me, and they increase as I continue to believe that it's all out there ~ even through events out of my control. And if I'm all dreary, feeling nothing is going to work out quite right, things are pretty yucky, till I hoist myself out of it.
It's like my attitude directs me into circumstances that will reflect it. At least, to a certain extent.

I can believe in an amount of predestination, kismet, fate, preordained events, the class of will of God that will not change~ so, I can ponder the possibility that our attitude sometimes is merely (often unknowingly) reflecting what is going to happen, what is building in God's air around us.
But many times, that doesn't seem to fit the case at hand....

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like God allows good things to go on when I've got my eyes open to appreciate them, a mind receptive to such gifts, willing to accept the bad, as well ~ and He also allows dreary or yucky things to go on when I go around expecting the dreary and dull.
That's a high level of trust, and sometimes I'm not up to it~ but when I can rally it up, it's really worked!

And I know Faith is in here somewhere
I'm getting the feeling, however off-the-mark, that Faith opens many different kinds of doors, leads us to many different places, depending on its strength. That God allows only what we will allow, by way of gifts and good. And that He wants us to open our minds to the best He can offer us in our current situation, whatever that may be, because only then will we be able to receive it.
Total trust. (Wow, that's a hard one.)

So, I'm thinking the thing to do is go ahead and trust Him to catch us when we leap, and say, "ok" to whatever~ whatever~ He deems a good thing/good things for us to experience. Trust that He'll not just bring on the pain if we give Him carte blanche (it will come~ pain is the only way God/Love can really break our hearts open enough to pour in so much of Loveself), but also give us heaps of undreamed-of graces and gifts, whatever we're open to receiving from His hand that He wants to give.
Not only the gift to accept and deal with our pain, but the heart-spoken presents that shower us whenever we're willing to look for them and accept them with gratitude.

Round-up
I guess my belief is that the good life God envisions for each of us is only halted or altered-down by our own attitude, by what we'll take and how we take it; and a grateful, trusting heart receives as much good from an abundantly generous God as it will accept.

Doorway to the possibilities
But think what such a state of trust and faith and openness towards God can lead to! Radical changes, transformations, thousands of souls submitting in beautiful humility and giving God a chance to wrought His wonders in their lives.... I would love to see what happens when He's given the chance, so that's what I've been working on, to strengthen my trust and widen those horizons, give sweet expectations and permission for the growing pains to come, with the promise to try my best to learn from them whatever aspect of Himself He's trying to show me behind the events.

Yeah, that sounds very interesting~ that's what I want to do.
Want to come?

Dealing
Recently, at the end of my prayer group, one of the nuns that attend broke news to her other sisters that "Sister so-and-so is dying; they're attending her, now."

I'd been reading a book that mentioned the connection between what is important to you in life, and your view of death. The theory was that those who think mostly of superficial things end up unprepared and see death as more of a sinister thing, cutting them off from the life they've known, while the ones who have a healthy spirituality (in this case, it was relating to Followers of Christ) see it as trading one home for another.

That was the attitude I glimpsed being bounced about, in the nuns' discussion on it. The sisters were attending this dying woman as she prepared for the big, important, even sacred Move to her next home. It wasn't a scary thing, or even a tragic thing. Death was a very cool thing to go through (I'm paraphrasing~ can you tell?), something for them to look forward to, though they were happy living this life.

I would have to say that I actually enjoyed seeing this attitude~ that seems an odd emotion to have, but that's it. I enjoyed seeing the peace and gentle joy, the expectations they felt as they gazed towards the Afterlife waiting for them, that balance of love for life and love for Afterlife, both with God in the picture.

Very cool viewpoint~

I would apologize for my lack of new photos, as I will feel compelled to do on my garden blog, but you guys are used to going without original photos here, right? I haven't spoiled you, yet!
So, I can just paste in some quaint little photo I've found somewhere on the net (thereby risking a subpoenaed appearance in court for posting an 'as is' without garnering appropriate rights or permissions, etc.~ and if I spelled "subpoenaed" wrong, please overlook).

I'm naming this entry
Changing,
because that's what's been happening to me~ but I honestly don't know if the changes will last, or are just emotive shoot-offs as I try to wrestle with all the things going on in my spiritual life. And I'm not sure I actually LIKE the changes.

(Image found at www.students.vcu.edu/ExploreCareers/newpaths/)

I suspect I'll be more or less under construction for the rest of my life.
But that's a good thing, if you ask me. To stay the same, to not try to improve? Bad idea. No fun.

Nonstop interior renovations
God's been working nonstop in my interiors for so long, I feel a bit apologetic~ if you get tired of hearing about every nuance I go through, every shift and bend, you just pop on over to my garden blog, and look at the pretty pictures. Or visit some of the fine blogs I've got linked to the left~

Let me present Exhibit A: a new wish to disappear.
Remember when Wednesday Addams was painted to look like the wall behind her in "Addams Family Values" so she could spy on the new nanny? Like that. Kinda.
Not a wish to disappear out of shyness or a low self-worth, nor to spy on anyone unseen, but just out of a hammeringly realistic feeling that I'm not so very interesting to myself, after all, coupled with a prevailing idea that other people can add much more.

Strange creature
Humility has taken shape in this odd way, rendering me sure that others could do a great job at adding to life, but only select things from myself would add anything good.
I like it, on the whole, but I'm not always sure that I like this feeling....it was kind of fun, and somehow reassuring, to live under the illusion that I can be the whirling center of our universe. :) Go on, admit it~ it's fun for you, too, to think that you're vastly intriguing to others, they love ya, can't get enough of you, they talk rhasodically about you every time you so much as drop a pencil, they have regular meetings about world peace and always end up talking about how wonderful you are, instead......

The center of the universe isn't me, and it seems very quiet there
Perhaps it was my past habit of saying whatever came to my mind without much refining or self-censoring that has me feeling perplexed by this new quiet. And maybe this won't last, and there will be a backlash where I'll go all diva and want you all to shut up so I can tell you every detail running around my constant brain-whirl. (Well, let's hope not~)

All God-y
It sounds excruciatingly insincerely-churchgirl-y to say I've been wanting to listen to people more than I've wanted to talk. I know it sounds that way, but it's the truth (but then, the people around me are vurry int'rusting...).
And actually, the more I learn about God, the less I can say that will put itself into words that fit right, so my silences have been lengthening on the subject, in company.
It's taking me longer to find the right words, and sometimes I can't find them at all~ and there is this fresh desire in me to not just rattle away when other people could be saying something worthwhile.

Will it last? Do I want it to?
Will I end up becoming one of those people that noone ever notices, the kind that get people sitting on them and stuff, because they didn't see 'em sitting there (like in the Princess Diaries film)?
Will this make me reallyreally uninteresting, easily ignored?
A target for every self-involved rattler in my parameter?

For the most part, I'm encouraging this in myself, and hoping it will last, it's so much better to be that way. I would like to keep this up, even if it means risking the invisibility thing.

And as these entries show, I'm in no danger (yet!) of shutting down into cryptic, brief sentences.~
:D

Solomon the wise guy



Matthew 6:28-29 ~ "...See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these." NIV

This photo I took at Big Bone makes me think of a Monet painting.
Monet had a flawless sense of color, a master at his palette; but God can throw together combinations you couldn't make work if you tried~ He can carry them off with panache and ease. Like the hot lavender dogwood blooms against the pale green of new shoots in the Spring~ very tricky duo to pull off. But the Great Artist knows what He's doing. He works in a more extensive range of color and light, and light goes with light very well.

"No artist is ever satisfied"
I'm sure that one of the reasons I fell out of painting as my preferred expression was because of the sheer torment involved in facing my color limitations. What I saw before me could NOT be rendered on canvas, when it came to color. I couldn't replicate the priceless, fleeting jewel tones of the sky, the sheen of an apple, the layered wonder of an opal, just as they were~ and it was the color that made them so very, very special to me! On canvas, they could not hope to portray the wonder that I saw in them....

In glorious, life-like, panoramic...
I realized somewhere along the way that my brain tends to perceive things in Technicolor, though not so much that my intelligent eye goes along with it... while my emotive response is "Oooh, shiny! Look at all the fire and depth and lustrous gleam in that flower," the detached part of my brain is working out the formula: "Blue-based red, slight orange undertone with flecks of pale~greenish and possibly bits of lilac highlights, medium-high intensity with a central glow."

So, when we try to combine the two in the complex science of paint, we get a bucketful of frustration. It rarely works out pretty!
I once struggled to capture the EXACT shade of a mauvey-pink blanket in art class back in high school, and ended up putting so many layers of paint on the thick paper, it actually broke in half when I folded it up for the garbage, after I had given up and all those layers had dried!

Failure to Express
My color limits led me to lose some of my keen interest in painting as a form of expression. The color was KEY to me; it was what made the whole scene sing! It was the piece de resistance to any imagery~ I wanted sososo much to show others what my kicked-up technicolor brain saw, when it looked out at the world. That my mediums could not perform with the brilliance I required led to disillusionment and an eventual peace with its limitations.

Holy hues
And now, here I am, years later, coming to the same sorts of terms with my spirituality. The tools and mediums at my disposal need highly skilled manipulation to do half the job of describing my God to you.
It's a labor of Love (literally, actually) to try to get it across to you, because, unlike my painting, in this there is a chance that God will give you a glimmer of what I'm attempting to babble to you in coherent ways.

2D
If I gave you the "pure" form, it would fall flat: God is good. God is Love. God is really cool!
So, I play in the palette of surreal imagery, rather like those wine talkers and their eloquent vocabulary, their talk of dark cores and heavy bottoms and light notes. Or a musician talking about the crunches and munches and thrums of the music. We play wildly on the fences around the playground, renegades who color outside the lines, plucking fusions from the air to describe what we're alive to.

And in this way, I tell you about my God. The God I've seen with my being, with my third eye, with my heart, past intellect or learned knowledge; the God lodging in my solar plexus and in my brain's skyview, to the left and up! The God my heart knows the best, and confuses my brain the most. The God with exquisite taste and masterfully precise planning/organizational skills. The God who loves you so hard, it would make you weep, the God whom nothing and noone can throw off the Center of the Universe, the unmovable, fluid, free, untameable, refined, living, elusive, ubiquitous, saturating God.

You can sculpt the colored wax
With my clumsy communications like crayons melting in the sun, I form a picture~ it may not be half what I hope to portray of His sparkle and brilliance and magnificent, solid, sheltering BIGness in my portrait....but I have to try to tell you, anyway. I have to try and keep trying to describe it to you. This muse has found her muse, and for once in my life, I'm not thrown off with the crude rendition I give you of such a delicate, detailed Being.
Because I feel certain He'll slide His own song under my attempts, right into your open, willing heart.

God was here
In a prior post last month, I talked about sensing God very strongly in one particular spot in the woods at Big Bone Gardens. The kind of thing where you're walking along, and suddenly, you become aware, "hey~~ God's here!"
I absorbed the moment, and then took a photo, knowing I would want to remember it, even if God's presence didn't show up on film.

This is the photo.

Way Bummer
It's all rainy here, and the view out my window is wonderful~ all dove grey light with moody, saturated green trees and shrubs. Especially lovely when the rain is coming down and the view is rather foggy with it. And that's not what I'm way-bumming about...


(my water plants love the rain!)

We won't be having Contemplative Prayer meeting today, because there is a big meeting going on for their church or something, and all the nuns will be there. Our group is mostly nuns, and I think the married couple who lead us are also going to be at the meeting, so no prayer group for us!
Now, THAT's what I'm way-bumming about! No communal silent visits with God, somehow alone with Him, yet united to others, at the same time. Bummer. I was wondering what would happen when I entered such an environment of intense prayer with this new awareness in me. It all has a kind of "what would happen if?" experimentation to it! Realizing the Reality of God has handed me over into a new world, one that was tucked under the old world, all this time, waiting for me to find it. Beautiful.

How it's going so far
I can block out the reality of God's presence in me, just as easily as I could when He wasn't so real to my perception. That's kind of not-good, I think. I'd rather not let my human nature go all autonomous against Him and block Him out, ever.
But I see His influence is working on me steady and strong, whether I'm paying full attention to Him or not. I'm sure He's often been guiding my thinking in a powerful and new way. Very invigorating!
As long as my subconscious and heart stay open to Him, He'll work in me. As much room as we give Him, He takes!

The approach to it all
I'd like to explore the concept of faith and the impact it has on our life structures some more. It's still sinking in that my life can be different, better, fuller, if I can only trust God enough to stay tuned to His plans for me.

The more I think over the idea that our lives become "quiet desperation" and dreary-dull when we separate God from the lifestyle our daily choices bring to us, the more convinced I am that that's what's going on.

In my own life experience, I see that whenever I've fought against the natural flow that God gave my life, I got very little accomplished that was any good.
I just spun my wheels ~ went shooting off into fields that were too numerous and too fractious, too far from any destiny I might be allowed. They had no graceful flow to them~ it was a friction-filled struggle, the whole way, with no calm in it at any point.
But you see, I didn't trust God or His plans and hopes and dreams for me (I had my doubts that He actually had any for me~ at least, any that utilized my interests and talents). So, I ran off on my own, wouldn't listen to His advice at all, if it didn't follow what I wanted. And nothing good came of those times.

It all needs to be one cohesive vision
A life lived entirely for God, not one area left out of His vision for us~ I'm sure it leads to a life filled with purpose and meaning and wonderful things. Not just challenges and inconveniences and kinda-scary faith-leaps and the pain of a heart well-functioning. It's all of that, because LIFE is all of that. Life is not supposed to be about hiding away from risk or danger or love or fear. It's not supposed to be about doing it all by rote.

I guess that's why they say hurrying and busyness is of the devil~ it keeps us from getting deep into our life's moments. No time for anything, so we do the mechanical, fast thing, and be done with it! Our meals are fast, our items are bought at retail chain stores, no thinking is required.

The details that make up our lives matter. The meals and the hobbies and the items we buy for our homes, the homes we live in and what we do with them, what we do with our time, what we do for work, for our education, for our time with God. They all build a day, a life-structure, a lifetime. What looked like happenstance, chance, often proves itself to be far more.

The expressive environment

In the last week (feels like a few weeks, but I guess it hasn't even been a full week), I've realized that I want my physical surroundings to be filled with things you can't get at the local WalMart. I don't want items around me that are just like the items you find in everyone else's house, ubiquitous things that seem to have a phobia against 'appearing contrived'. I want the work of artisans, artists, creativity, workmanship~ things that show some thought was put into them. I don't care if it's from the world bazaar or from a yard sale, so long as it suits my eye and my needs. (In this matter, of course, I try to attend to what my daughters are comfortable with, too~ which means my home has to have more of a sedate air than I might otherwise give it!)
I've had a half-formed notion of this approach to life playing in the back of my head forever, you can't escape round-peg thinking when your brain-in-motion moves on wonky paths. Being artistic includes a certain amount of innate weirdness, it cannot be avoided entirely.
And why avoid it? Right-braining is fun!

But for some reason, I'm convinced that God is behind this new form of thought. To take pleasure in the small things, to pace out a life that you fill with things that mean something to you, to surround yourself with a blend of the tranquil, the stimulating, the unpretentious and the fine.... to choose to spend free time with judicious care, instead of just vegging out in front of the TV again, or scheduling yet another class for the kids to take. I mean a life lived with thought and care for the details, with an aim for good balance, making room for God in it all.

Arrange a bouquet of flowers and put them where you'll see them as often as possible ~ the kind with colors and scent and shape that you really like. Or arrange a little tabletop or landscape vignette that you can enjoy looking at. Turn on the music you love. Converse about "nothing" with your family or your neighbors. Consider walking in the rain when it's warm out, or stopping to watch the sunrise, somewhere where you can see it full-view, away from the houses and skyscrapers, even the trees that block the view too much. See it fully, let it glide off into the West with you watching it in all its changing moods.

Found this a good thing
I made a list of books that have meant the most to me, ones I've always wanted to own, but never got around to buying, and bought one, making plans to purchase the others as I can. I'm doing the same for any cd's and films that have proven themselves to be consistently meaningful and enriching to me.
We all have things around us~ best to have things that really mean something to us, are beautiful or useful.

And have you ever considered the thought of moving somewhere new, a place with a view you love? Maybe just scouting out places in your area that are beautiful or envigorating or both? Planning a trip somewhere that would feed your soul, planning a trip where you go where God leads? No pre-packaged plans, just a map and a prayer of good will towards whatever He brings to you. That's how I journeyed out West (alone), and though bumps were definitely included, I had the time of my life, and it changed my life, in some integral way that started me on the great adventure I'm traveling with God, now.

God gave you this day, this life. I, for one, believe He's ready to work His miracles in the details, as well as in the big picture. Small pleasures are the most filling and satisfying~ go at it.
Enjoy the ride~

"Your assignment, if you choose to accept it ~ "
I see that the world is full of the walking wounded, more than I realized, before. The vast majority of people come from a dimmed, confusing place where love can only be gained in snatches, with conditions and an expiration date placed on it. Many are so destroyed in their spirits they'll never be able to heal completely.
(For that matter, I notice that some make 'healing' an excuse for being self-centered, which means they never fully heal, either.)
The challenges of Love being what they are, even in the best of times (and this is not the best of times~ I don't believe there has ever been a true spiritual mecca in our country, in our times), one would think it self-destructive, suicidal to follow the call of selfless love~ but it has to be accepted from the hand of God/Love, and given to others, just as Christ would've done. Those walking wounded need grace, not pressures they can't bear up under.

Everyone is capable of developing unconditional love. But for most of us, that's a calling that seems like hari-kari of the deepest and worst kind~ we are sure it leads to the painful destruction of our heart, our soul, our self-respect and foundational dignity~ how could it not?, the soul frantically asks.

Love looks good to us when it promises beauty and happiness, but its price seems too steep to endure for long. There is a price to pay, and we are afraid to pay it.

We're afraid to accept~ both accepting in the sense of accepting God's love for ourselves, and in the sense of accepting others as they are, and loving them, anyway.

And yet, Love itself proves to be a ballast, a shield, a source of rejuvenation. It doesn't keep us from pain all the time, but it sustains us through pain we couldn't otherwise have borne. It becomes its own cure.
Love being God, it is mysterious, baffling, frustrating to the human brain. How many of us can endure the thought of showing generous grace towards those who murder, slander, do evil things? And how many of us go about feeling ethic-er-than-thou when we refrain from such examples of lowness? (Myself, I can't even take up jogging without having to fight off smug feelings!~ and I see in others the same battle, so I know I'm not alone.)
But the sure sign of Love shows humbleness as well as caring.
For most of us, only God can give that!

Sure we can
Having only a passing acquaintance with grace, we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary when we're told to be accepting of others, out of Love.
To forgive and forgive and forgive, redeem and redeem and redeem, as our part in the work of our God. Is it possible?

I realized that I was finding myself at a bit of a loss, when it came to ridding myself of my past notions of the workings and justice of Love. Wasn't justice that thing that gave me the chance of saying, 'neener neener neener, ha-ha, you're getting in trouble and I'm not'? Wasn't justice that thing that was going to repay me for following all the rules, while other people chose to do their own thing (and get to have all the fun)?

Wasn't Love that thing that allows us to be popular among others? To be so nice to them, it pretty much insures they'll be nice back, thereby lowering our risk of having our feelings hurt?
Wasn't it about making others like us, even love us, thereby feeding our need for love (in a rather selfish way, mind you)?
Wasn't love that thing you did ("love is a verb!") to gain approval from the crowd? To feed your own emptiness? To not end up alone?

But there's hope!
My, I've bantered Love about, in my life. Made it hardly recognizable. I've held it cheap~ because I didn't understand it. For that matter, I can tell you that I still don't understand it all the way!
How could any of us understand it when we hardly ever see it in its true form? How could we successfully imitate a language we don't know?

God understands this lack, and that's where the grace comes in. We can't know Love in all its forms and mysteries and strengths and giving. It's beyond us, on our own, to comprehend Love in its purest, strongest form.
Love gives until it's not allowed to give anymore~ unstintingly, unchangingly, unselfishly. Who among us can do that, using only our own power?
Giving is a by-product of Love~ creating, sharing, hoping~ bringing good into the world. Reflecting His glory back to Him, in that way.

From what I gather, to be unconvinced of God's concern for your well-being is normal, really.
Everybody has to learn they can trust God, and the only way they'll learn that is by giving Him a chance.
Hence, faith. Faith and trust and hope in God brings on love, which brings on more faith and trust and hope, bringing more love, in a ring of eternal duration.

(Image found at http://www.lotrplaza.com)

With hesitation
I considered not sharing this. But then I thought, well, that's silly~ why stop so suddenly, just when things get really interesting (it's interesting for me, anyway)?

But I didn't want to let words and phrases make this less, drag it down from its soulful ache and substance into a cutesy, flighty preciousness that makes me wince to think of, or allow myself to be deemed a loony by the saner portions of the world over something that was so wonderful and vital and amazing to me....

So, here it is. I've had an epiphany, a real one, a deep one, an incomprehensible one I hope stays with me.
Considering the name of my blog, one would be led to believe I have these things all the time, but no~ no, I don't. I've had a few good ones, and they've had lasting impact on my life with God and others; but really, I'm wary of the idea of going around having epiphanies all the time.
It would seem so overdone and hysterical, actually. Like trying to force visions to occur all the time, or something like that. These events are best left in God's hands, don't you agree?

Friday night, I suddenly FELT God, as a reality.
You know? God was suddenly made very REAL for me, and I could feel Him inside me and all over the place, the way you feel someone's shoulder and elbow and presence, when you're together in a packed, crowded area.
He was RIGHT THERE, only He wasn't just next to me~ He was inside me, as well. Just like I'd always been told, and wanted to be able to know for myself.

I've always felt God in varying degrees of strength, but as regular visitors will know, I've been unable to grasp the knowledge of God being in me and around me, as a reality.
I felt Him before as a rather removed, rather surreal presence, too good to comprehend fully~ but oh, I wanted to! I wanted to know, for real, that He's very definitely in me and all around me!
And now I see it.

In the Real Race
This was the difference between imagining and reality. Between training for the race and running the race.

La Castle Interior
Imagery sprang into being as my brain tried to grasp what had been placed on it~ I could envision a castle springing up around me~ building materials in ivory, alabaster, marbles, gold, becoming walls of color and light and beauty. Ivy entwined itself in curling, precise patterns. And behind it all was God.

I'd read somewhere (where? I've forgotten) that people like me are here for the sole purpose of loving God. That seems rather a simple purpose, kinda too simple~ where's the challenge? Where's the usefulness to the life on earth? Now, He's showing me in ways that delight me, how rich that purpose actually is.

There's a catch
If I find myself not taking time to concentrate on this creation springing up inside me, this new aspect of God that I've been allowed to peek into, or if I start trying to find satisfaction in earthly things, the castle gets a little darkened; ivy droops, shining walls dim. I become remorseful, and reminded of my treasure~ it needs my input to flourish. God won't do this alone. But given the amount of peace and tranquil joy (joy that is the last word in joy for me) that I feel everytime I pay attention to this interior castle~building, this is not a chore to pay attention to!

He's real. God is really there. I mean REALLy there. Wow!

Finally
Here is a photo of Williamstown~ taken by my friend Candy.
Now, whenever I ramble on about that place (and I will again~ oh, yes, I will again...), you'll be able to kinda picture what I'm expounding over.

(Image by Candy Ailstock, iCandy Designs)

This guy is where I'm heading now

"It became clear to me this last week, that not only was my heart telling me to ride my bike to Maine, but it was also telling me to be open to the idea that I might not be coming back.” - Jeff Pitcher

Here is a guy who bikes till his legs are about to fall off, who dances on the coldest Canadian street corners with abandon, all for what?
Apparently, to come to old age not with a pocketful of money collected, but a hatful of "kindness, integrity, and stories".
So cool.

Would I bike across America?
Would I at least stay open to the possibility?
To any possibility for my life's path that God may dream up for me?

God, open me to Your unorthodox plans.

The sound of a different kind of music
Have you ever read the Sound of Music book, Maria Von Trapp's "The Story of the Trapp Family Singers", of the events that unfolded for her? If you have, I can give you few greater examples of a life lived in fearless faith of the Lord and His creative, original planning for us! She would do so many things that seemed so risky to me, I was feeling a little gaspy by the end of the book! Truly, a woman who lived her faith, even when things looked their scariest and the risks looked enormous.

I read the book years ago, and remember wishing I could have faith like that~ brave and straight-forward and innovatively unrestrained by any pragmatic ditches that may have tried to stop her from doing what she felt to be God's will.
My faith has grown stronger through practice, since then, but I can't say that it's as strong as it could be, or should be. And by this time, I'm getting the distinct impression that our faith is linked to the coming-about of the hopes and aims we have for our lives.

How many of us have shut down God's ideas over a lifetime, simply because we refused to go along with them?
How many ideas has God had to give up on, in my life? Gave up on suggesting it to me, not because I didn't have the capabilities or the idea, but because I lacked faith, refused to take it on?
How many are still brewing for me, in His eyes, in His hopes?

How many people wear the suit and sit in the cube for 8 hours a day, then go home to watch tv and mow the lawn and dully wish the vague emptiness were not there~ not because they are dull people and have pointless existences, but because they can't muster up the courage to follow God's vision for them?

In relation to the prior post, I'll tell you one story.
I'm not big on talking about my first marriage, but God wants me to tell this, and I'm willing to tell, though it is painful.
So ~ whoever this is meant to help, here it is:

I was talking here about odds being stacked against me, and somehow finding something in me that would allow me to go on until I had succeeded. For some reason, that made this come to mind....

My first husband had blood sugar problems. When he would get too hungry or his blood sugar would get out of wack, he could fly into a fury very suddenly, with no provocation from anyone, and nothing anyone could say would calm him down. Luckily, the kids were never his victims.
Towards the last of our marriage, I had found a thick air of betrayal around him. I did not trust him. At all. My instincts were clicking away on that~ I didn't know till later that he'd gotten into some pretty dark occult dabblings, etc.

On this fine day, he had gone into a fury (I think he'd had some alcohol to drink~ can't remember, now), and had backed me into our tiny bathroom. To get some distance between us as he lunged at me yelling, I stepped into the tub.
A tub. With a skylight over it, about a foot and a half overhead. In a tiny bathroom space.
He was bigger than me by over 2 feet and by about 140lbs. He was in a rage. Had me cornered.

The girls weren't around (thank God), noone was home in the apartment near us, I was alone with this raging man who was going to keep hitting me everytime he could reach me.
I was toast for sure.

But suddenly~ and I'm not sure how to describe this~ a swirling fierceness came out of me. It was not anger or meanness or out-of-control, hyper energy, yet it was extremely powerful and would've been called anger, had it not been so in-control and calm at its base.
It sounded like a hurricane or tornado in my ears and it was somehow very, very calm and very in control, but extremely fierce. I felt it, and allowed it because it felt Right. The Rightest thing I'd ever felt. I welcomed it, recognized it as a bit of God's power.

The voice that came out of me was reverberatingly thunderous, loud and calm ~ wow. It shook me up, too.
I was saying that he had to leave me alone and back off ~ the threatening tone was clear, the promise was clear, and there was no hyperbole to it.
Hubby freaked out. Turned deathly pale, backed off, calmed down.
'Ok, ok! I'll leave you alone!' he said.

(He did, too. His next fit of temper wasn't as bad as his others; pretty mild, really. But it was enough to set me free. I went for a divorce after that, and he went quietly. What God had never wanted, ended quietly.)

I stood in the bathtub and pondered what had just visited me~ the power that felt giant and loving and strong and good, but rather scary at the same time, because it was so big and powerful.
Yet, hubby obviously didn't feel any warm-fuzzies from it!

This was the wrath of God, and it saved my life.

Leading Lectio
I led the Lectio Divina prayer for the first time at my contemplative prayer group, yesterday. These people are old hands at it~ hardcore Lectio types! I was definitely the newbie.
Being Quite Protestant, I had never done Lectio Divina before I got into contemplative prayer, so all I could do was try hard not to make much ado about nuthin!

For those who are like I was, Lectio Divina (they pronounce it Lex-io Di-vee-na at my prayer group) isn't as scary as it sounds. Really.

What happens is, you read the same couple of bible verses out 3-4 times; after the first reading, you think on it in a sort of surface way, letting the general flavor sink in, then on the next round, think what God is nudging at you in it, then on the third round, you respond to God over it, and on the fourth round, go into silent contemplative prayer for 20 minutes.

I chose Galatians Chap 5, vs 22-23, where it talks about the Fruit of the Spirit (you know, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc.), figuring we could let the words and their meanings sink deep into us and really get a grip. I enjoyed this; they enjoyed this. It was good.
Score one for God!~ Inspiration is a good thing indeed!

Aspire, Inspire
What inspires you? And what inspires you only in short bursts, and what inspires you for a longer period of time?
What do you aspire to?

I find that nothing of the Earth has inspired me constantly. At some point, I had to use self-discipline as well as inspiration, and press on, or it wouldn't get done. Most of all, I find it a question of faith~ did God really want me to do this, or was I mistaken? What if He's leading me somewhere I don't want to go? The wind whistles around my ears, all is a lonely, dark, barren scene of doubt, and I must remember to let God in, find the strength to ask for psychological ballast from Him, take the right stance of courage, and go on with it full-force, never backing down until I've reached the goal He's seen fit to give me.

How many of us reallyreally believe that SomethingElse is stopping us from bringing our God-given goals or dreams about? (Mark you, I'm making a distinction here between God-given goals, and the selfish ambitions He has no part in~ one of the scary things in life is finding out which is which.)

But I've been looking around, and have seen that a truly inspired person is passionate enough to just keep going, even when it all looks impossible.
Cultural reference in my head: I'm thinking of "October Sky", when the teenage boy just kept going after his goal to go into space, teaching himself all that needed to be done to make rockets.

I'm thinking of certain times in my life (going to college, making a demo when I had no musicians and no car and the studio was 45 minutes away, marrying Randy, teaching myself to dance cool when I was in Jr High, finding and keeping a place for me and my little family to live, deciding to learn to play the guitar when I didn't even own a guitar and didn't have a teacher or any money and can't read music well, creating a garden with little or no money and patchy garden knowledge, etc.) when the odds seemed stacked against me, but something in me instinctively knew it was right to pursue, and something else in me wouldn't back down from that, or let doubt stop me.

I've since wished that all my undertakings could have such a focused state of being attached to them! That sense of being beyond any real thoughts of doubt, not giving up, not even truly considering the thought of giving up...
But such times are, I feel, more to do with faith than with fate. I suspect that it's just as 'right' to go after a goal that is God's will when it's hard and the way is wrought with pitfalls and second-guessing and fear, as it is to follow His design when everything seems to be foreordained by the fates to come about successfully.
Some things seem to put us on auto-pilot when we attempt them, and some things take more out of us, being more of a struggle to continue through. But the will of God isn't always a smooth road, yet His will is always the best thing for our lives, the idea that we can follow and find rewarding experiences through. When we follow His plans, we end up where we're supposed to be, doing what we're supposed to be doing~ but how many of us always have that kind of faith, the ongoing kind that we replenish when needed, the kind of faith needed to form a better life over time?
It can be done.

Passion and unbelief can't share a space
It's my belief that there is a persistence and a strength, a passion like fire in the belly that comes when someone locks into something that flows from the voluntarily-inevitable, that fate that God wills, and you will, and so it will be done in your life, because it really only depends on you and your God. Called to do an extraordinary thing in your life, it's my belief that you can accept or decline it, and God allows that.

But for some, the decline comes in a sneakier way~ it comes because they give up, set something aside, don't make time for it, don't work on it, let other things always come first~ they falter in their fears, their unbelief. It dresses itself up to look like laziness, or a lack of self-discipline in the character, but I believe the root to be a paralyzing distrust/disbelief in God's goodness in our lives.

The fun goes out of the task, doubt creeps in, and can win, if we don't look for assistance from God in our minutes of need.
Just think how much we could do with our lives if we prayed to God, "help my unbelief!" and worked on with our shoulder to the plow, trusting in Him to help us succeed in our endeavor.

I've done some things that were called incredible by those who watched, and I can say that for me, the difference has been a matter of faith~ forget believing in myself!~ that didn't empower me!

I can do anything that is set in my heart to do not when I believe in myself, but when I strongly believe in God's willingness and ability to get it done through me.

Our Williamstown
My aunt and uncle in Williamstown, Kentucky hold a 4th of July get-together for our family every year; and every year, I breathe in the air in that place and don't want to leave.

Not just because I'm crazy about my relatives, and most of them live in that general area (most of our dead are buried there, as well). I realize that it isn't idyllic for a contemplative hermitess like myself to live in a small town area with lots of family milling around.

But I can't help my yearning ~ the land is beautiful, peaceful, with rolling hills, cozy hollows, plenty of trees and pastures, a land of ancient sheds and fine new homes mixed in together, a sense of timelessness and a sense of beauty, effortless and just a bit reserved, making you be patient in discovering its charms.

And the quiet~ the road where my aunt and uncle live is a nice stretch of fields and houses, pastoral views and the sounds of birdsong echoing up the hollows under the canopy of mature trees.
They have their share of imperfect, rowdy neighbors, and they have problems with packs of dogs killing other dogs, which is almost enough to throw me off it completely, but....
But it would be a wonderful place for a retreat cabin!
The house across from my aunt and uncle is just that~ a house someone from "the city" has bought to spend their weekends in!

You can see all the stars at night, there (my area is too near downtown to be able to see a full view of stars~ we see maybe 20 on a clear night)...
I was going to see if I could stay in the countryside till dark, just so I could see all those stars again, the whole friggin galaxy-full, right down to the arms of the Milky Way; but it was cloudy, so I went on home before dark had set in.
I miss seeing a sky full of stars more than I can say.

This retreat
I'm not sure how to describe my retreat. It was such an odd mix of things, I couldn't get a grasp on much of it.
For one thing, I found myself feeling remarkably bummed for not having more than a few days in which to withdraw in disgust from the weary world. :) I felt that at least a week would've sufficed quite nicely, before I would be ready to face it all again.~
Also, this wasn't a full-out retreat. The phone ringer stayed on. I socialized a bit. The Apache came over to change the oil and some filters in my car (thanks, Max!). I went places. I watched a bit of TV.
But mostly, I looked at my garden from the porch, did a bit of weeding, took my almost-daily walks, and read Merton and journaled.

Here's the thing
Before I started the retreat, I happened to watch "Dogville", and I wasn't sure whether it helped or hindered me. I spent the better part of the first couple of days just trying not to think so much about the implications of that movie.
Grace is a subject that is hard to fathom with spiritual feet, you know? We're used to viewing it from the view from our earth-bound feet, and this movie was very thought-provoking to me.~ how to find that fine line between being a good Christ-imitator and NOT being a doormat.
And somehow, my brain didn't shut off from it just because I concluded that one should allow abuse in the name of turning the other cheek only when it's called for by God, is His will that you do so~ (I strongly feel that for the most part, His will is more about having personal standards about how people are allowed to behave towards you). There are few situations where you are free of blame for how others treat you.
But it bore much thought....

It was a wretched thing to be so taken with thoughts of the everyday, earth-bound life I find myself in, unable to set it aside to bathe in the cool, cleansing pool of God's presence, unhindered by any other thought. I had a heck of a time focusing!

But on the morning of the third day (or was it the second day? time seems to have gone rather limpid for me, during all this), I found a part in "New Seeds of Contemplation" that seemed to address what I was going through, the next step for me in this Greatest Adventure.~
It was time to focus on my own life just enough to allow God to give me the creative freedom I need for that life to be built on HIS standards of creative freedom! He wanted to be a part of my LIFE, my Everyday, not just my spiritual life. Like when I'm watching TV or reading light books or talking on the phone or whatever. He wanted to be strongly present in the living of my life, in a way that He hasn't established with me, before.

The old quote "An artist must be free" is true indeed~
In Merton's view, true creativity comes not from the flurry of 'creative' activity such as painting or sculpting or any outward manifestation of expression~ those things that we view in life as being creative, 'art' ~
~ it comes when we choose to allow God's influence of Love to come through in our lives, in our common, daily bits of living. When we choose to live out moments of love and kindness and giving and grace.
I don't see the connection completely, but my intuition agrees whole-heartedly.

At that point of decision, if we choose to go the route of unconditional Love, we're in God's hand completely, and He is able to transform the moment in us into something very powerful, very free-spirited, free-spirited in the best way possible.

So, that's where I'm at. Not on a ride that has been as smooth and ecstatic as the past rides have been~ this one was undertaken amid much fog and unknowing, some confusion and a general sense that I didn't know what was going wrong, or if it even was going wrong, didn't know why things were going the way they were going, didn't know if I was on the right track or if I was wasting precious God-Time, baffling and dwelling on tangled-up thoughts, pushed back into my earthly life's details time and again....yet it turned out to be all for a Reason, and I understand what God's aiming for in my life, next.

Life design
He had a plan, and it all came together in my understanding when I read that bit from Merton. It's time to face the life I live, and bring God into it, let Him roll out into it and help me form it as He would like.

I know it won't be all about Him, I'm too human for that~ there will be plentiful amounts of screw-ups, as always! This will take some habit-building to really put it strongly into motion, and make as big a difference in my life as He seems to plan on.

But I'm looking forward to this~ to turn to Him often as I go about my day, to get His input as much as possible on how I handle each circumstance that comes up in my life.... And sometimes I'll choose to do it His way, and sometimes I'll choose to do it mine.

Still, He's available, wonderfully available to help form a freedom in my life that I've recently glimpsed, but can barely describe~ a delectable, firey quality~ a freedom so potent, I've never been able to experience it before, one that can only be gained from God.